(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – The fugitive Islamic State (ISIS) leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has appeared in a video for the first time in five years, in which he confirms that the group’s Human Resource (HR) department has approved decapitation for the work force given the current financial climate.
In the appearance, only Baghdadi’s second on video, the ISIS commander confirmed he has been under hiding from, among others, members of his own group.
Sitting cross-legged alongside a Kalashnikov rifle, he further announced that the group has initiated an audit into all the attacks over the past five years that it failed to claim responsibility for. Those found responsible for slacking will be asked to behead themselves.
“I want them to die performing the one act they were trained the most for – claiming responsibility,” the ISIS commander can be heard saying in the video.
Baghdadi confirms that financial constraints are impacting all major industries around the world, and terrorism is no different.
“Given the recent setbacks we have to trim down some fact, and have had to behead a significant chunk of our employees. However, given the new HR policy we expect to break even by 2021.”
The appearance seemed designed to acknowledge the loss of the remaining pockets of ISIS territory along with the emptying pockets of its commanders, all the while confirming that Baghdadi is still alive.
Sources within ISIS have further informed The Dependent, that franchise outlets around the world have been tasked with claiming as many attacks as possible, lest the company reach bankruptcy.
