Not benchwarmer, says benchwarmer

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Newly inducted Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, who will hold the office till Punjab Chief Minister Shehbaz Sharif is elected from Nawaz Sharif’s vacated seat and becomes prime minister himself, has said that he is not merely holding the office till Punjab Chief Minister Shehbaz Sharif is elected from Nawaz Sharif’s vacated seat and becomes prime minister himself.

“I am not a benchwarmer,” the benchwarmer said in an interview with foreign news agency Reuters. “I am going to be an active, fully-functional prime minister.”

“Let there be no doubt in anyone’s mind that I am not, I repeat, NOT, a placeholder, who will only be holding on to this office till the procedures for getting the person the party actually wants for the position are completed,” said Abbasi, whom analysts are expecting to relinquish his position as prime minister after 45 days.

“I am not a benchwarmer,” he exclaimed, with tears running down his eyes. “Guys, STOP IT!”

At this point in the interview, Punjab Chief Minister Shehbaz Sharif walked in the room and pacified an emotional Abbasi. “Who’s a big boy? Do big boys cry,” the Punjab CM asked Abbasi, holding his face in his hands. “Now go and tell the nice reporter lady whatever she is asking without crying and maybe we can have ice-cream later.”

“Yay,” exclaimed Abbasi.

“I meant me and the reporter lady,” Sharif clarified.