(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ON BOARD QATAR AIRWAYS – Even after Prime Minister Imran Khan has returned to Pakistan following an overwhelmingly successful trip to the US, the most significant achievement of the tour continues to be talked about.
Details of PM Khan’s flights – both to Washington and back – reveal the extent to which the leader of this nation has the pain of his masses at heart.
According to The Dependent’s exclusive investigation, Prime Minister Imran Khan refused all business class meals and other additional perks of Qatar Airways’ high-end QSuite service, as his government seeks to cut back on spending and expenses in an austerity drive.
“We tried explaining to him that the food and other amenities were just part of the service and could be enjoyed at no additional cost,” said one air hostess who chose not to be named.
“He kept on shouting cricketing metaphors at us and wagging his finger. He threatened to send one of my colleagues to jail if she couldn’t show him her tax returns. He calmed down a little when she told him
she was from China and asked her if he could borrow some money for the economy or something. When she said she didn’t have the 52 billion rupees he wanted, Mr Khan threw a sulk and started sucking his thumb.”
Instead the Prime Minister insisted on ‘eating like a peasant’ and told the airline staff to cook him roti with stale flour accompanied by a bowl of yoghurt.
“Stale flour, isn’t exactly something we carry on board,” said the captain of the flight. “I pleaded with him to just have our delicious Asian-style salmon and rice bowl, but he refused and we had to turn the flight back half-way through the journey, just so we could return to Pakistan and pick some up. When people complained about the disruption he told them that he was ready to sacrifice his life and theirs for the greater good of his country, which shut everyone up pretty quickly, including me.”
While the airline agreed to PM Khan’s demand, it insisted that he would foot the bill for it. “If I have to pay significantly more money for a lower level of service in solidarity with the people of my country then so be it,” Khan reportedly said in response to the news of the additional costs.
The Prime Minister also took issue with the extra leg room that Qatar’s business class had to offer and insisted that one of the crew members crouch down in front of him for the duration of the flight to prevent him from stretching out his legs.
“How is it possible that I would allow myself to waggle my legs around and admire my neatly manicured toes from a distance when the people of my country do not even have enough space for dissenting opinions and full freedom of expression? That is not the type of leader I am. If the people of Pakistan have to suffocate and wallow miserably in a restrictive environment of my own government’s making then so do my legs, as does this nice young gentleman from Egypt who claims to be the co-pilot of this flight.”
“Through his actions Prime Minister Khan has shown that he is willing to do anything for Pakistan,” said Special Assistant to Prime Minister on Information and Broadcasting, Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan. “It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make any sense or sets a new benchmark in stupidity, as long as he is the first one ever to do it and we can make gaudy celebratory videos about it for social media, then it is a victory us all.”
