(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
Saying that it was unbecoming of young anti-cancer youth and did not reflect our cultural norms and ideals, tobacco industry executives have condemned the ‘strong words’ that some anti-cancer protestors used against cancer and tobacco in a recent rally.
“These people out there claiming to protest against cancer, they aren’t actual anti-cancer protestors. We just think we need to focus on the real anti-cancer heroes instead of these so called ‘activists’” they said in a joint statement.
“And so many attacks on tobacco. Nobody is saying cancer is a good thing, but why are they blaming tobacco? Does all tobacco consumption cause cancer? Exactly, we didn’t think so.”
Meanwhile, other tobacco executives have also taken up the cause on social media, going on long rants about the protesters. According to details, the hashtag “#NotAllCarcinogens” has also been trending among tobacco executives.
“Furthermore, we are also taking this opportunity to announce that we will be holding a ‘tobacco rally’ in response, which is by no means a pro-cancer rally, but will celebrate tobacco and all of its effects” the statement read.
“In this increasingly divided time, I think big tobacco really needs to take a stand. No more Mr Nice guy, now that we’re under threat and under attack, we will fight back against these so called ‘anti-cancer’ protesters that really just want to destroy the institution of tobacco” it ended.
