(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
NEW DELHI – In a move that is set to transform the atmosphere engulfing the South Asia region, India has vowed to follow up its killing of trees linked to the terror outfit Jaish-e-Mohammad (JeM) by unleashing excessive carbon emissions around the group’s hideouts.
The warning has come straight from Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, who has asked the Indian Air Force to prepare for a follow up attack targeting the ozone layer surrounding hideouts of Jaishe-e-Mohammad.
“We are not going to let the terrorists breathe easily,” said Modi while addressing a meeting of senior IAF officers.
Sources within the IAF have informed The Dependent that the plan is to choke terror groups in Pakistan with the help of climate change.
“In addition to an obvious increase in carbon dioxide, methane and chlorofluorocarbons to enhance the carbon levels in areas where Jaish is present, our jets will also unleash water vapor, which is important for the greenhouse effect, and nitrous oxide, for which the aircraft is equipped with state-of-the-art facilities for fossil fuel combustion, nitric acid production, and biomass burning,” an IAF official revealed.
The move comes amidst growing concerns among environmental jingoists on both sides of the Line of Control that climate change might eliminate their enemy before they can.
“This way we and climate change can both work in tandem,” notes leading environmentalist Yogi Adityanath, whose activism has centered around the impact of eating beef on climate change.
