Gondal transferred again in tough response to Indian Air Force attack


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

Former DPO Pakpattan Rizwan Gondal was once again transferred by the Pakistan government, after events in the region took a turn for the worse when the Indian Air Force invaded Pakistani air space and released its payload before scrambling back over the LoC.

Pakistan responded to Indian aggression befittingly by immediately transferring DPO Gondal. The decision followed an emergency NSC meeting called by Prime Minister Imran Khan after the attack.

“The decision is final and we will not budge from our position,” said Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi, while speaking to reporters at a Foreign Office press conference. “This is a new regime, and it will look India in the eye and give an appropriate response.”

According to details available with The Dependent, the Prime Minister walked into the NSC meeting determined, and without so much as hearing anyone laid down how things were going to go down.

“He didn’t even sit down. He grasped the head of his swirly chair, scoped the room looking all of us in the eye before saying this is what was happening and briskly walking out, his team scrambling behind him” said our anonymous source. \

“It was truly a sight to behold. So clear. So determined. A true leader for such trying times” they added.

The decision has been met with widespread jubilation across the media and commentariat.

“This is exactly the sort of muscular nationalism that Pakistan needed,” said Mosharraf Zaidi, an Islamabad-based analyst and former Foreign Office employee. “Clear. Determined. Unafraid.”

“Well, as a leftist, liberal cultural critic, I can tell you safely that we’re going to destroy India. Nothing can get past our jawans” said columnist Nadeem F Paracha.

“Watch as I make a witty remark and say something so smart and so funny because I’m so smart and so funny” he said without actually proceeding to saying anything at all, let alone the smart or funny comment we were promised.

“He’s a man’s man, the Kaptaan is,” said Wajahat S Khan, a television talk show host. “I’m bleeding green right now because of the overdue tough stance we have shown the Americans.”

“About time, Khan Saab. About time,” said a clearly emotional Khan, with tears in his eyes.

“That’s the spirit,” said Sirajuddin Haqqani, a businessman hailing from the tribal areas near the Pak-Afghan border. “Action against Gondal is the only viable option that Pakistan had, really.”

When contacted, Gondal said he was not surprised. “This made as much sense as the last time.”