(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
LAHORE – Finally cutting to the chase in what he somehow felt was months of playing hard to get, Chief Justice Pakistan (CJP) Mian Saqib Nisar has confirmed that elements that have not as yet completely fallen in love with him are traitors and enemies of the state. The remarks came during the proceedings of a suo motu case at the Supreme Court’s Lahore Registry.
Hinting at invoking Article 6 of the Constitution – applicable in high treason cases – against elements not in love with him, he said he was trying to determine if the scope of this article allowed it to be invoked against opponents of the “national cause” that falling in love with him was.
“I receive WhatsApp messages of people professing unconditional – I repeal unconditional – love for me all the time,” the CJP said. “Everyone not loving me unconditionally is a traitor and an enemy of the state.”
The CJP said that he had no other objective but to be loved by the entirety of the nation.
“Do not humiliate yourself by offering me any explanation for why you won’t love me,” the Chief Justice said. “Loving me is essential for Pakistan’s survival and security.”
The CJP insisted that the SC would not allow moves of the enemies to succeed. “This nation will protect love by forging unity. This nation will keep an eye on those who don’t love me and thwart every move against this initiative.”
He said that the experts had told him that the only way for Pakistan to progress was for everyone to love him, “otherwise, the nation will have to fight for its existence”.
