(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI – Engineering students from all Bahria University campuses have been given complementary vernier calipers as part of their end of semester laboratory work to measure distances between male and female students across their campuses.
“We want them to measure these erotic lengths, and haram displacements, to not only make them better equipped at engineering skills – which are nonexistent without the eye to measure stuff – and also to help them reap the rewards of the holy month of Ramadan,” a senior university official told The Dependent.
Professors in charge of these practical assignments have further revealed that the students that capture distances of less than six inches will be additionally rewarded.
“We are also looking at them to measure angles and velocities of the movements of their bodies, which would allow them to come up with algorithms to reveal the relativity and equations between the men and women being studied,” confirmed senior physics professor Umaid Bhatti.
The Computer Engineering departments have confirmed that their students have further been asked to develop codes such that the functional relationship between body movements of opposite sexes and functionality of the relationships between the opposite sexes can be developed real-time, as soon as values from the vernier calipers are inserted.
