(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
After spending the night hard at work calculating possible scenarios for the ongoing ICC Cricket World Cup, The Dependent has discovered that Pakistan can still make it to the semi-finals if they bat first in their game against Bangladesh, and then Bangladesh doesn’t bat at all.
Pakistan, who will have as many points as team New Zealand if they win their final game but are way behind on net run rate, have a chance to one-up the black caps if they win comprehensively enough against Bangladesh.
For starters, Pakistan would have to bat first. Bowling first isn’t even an option and would mean automatic disqualification. After batting first, Pakistan will have to go hard and get some 400-odd runs on the board. When this is achieved, it is vital that Pakistan somehow convince Bangladesh not to come out and bat for the second innings.
If Bangladesh does not bat, giving Pakistan a forfeit 400 run victory, then there might still be a chance for Pakistan to make it through to the semis.
“There are also other things that must be done” said cricket analyst Mazher Arshad. “After this hypothetical win, Pakistan has to sacrifice the blood of the innocent at the Lord’s pitch, and then all hang upside down from the balcony and have shamans strike their feet with leather whips made from the hide of a special breed of Nepalese oxen” he added.
“The shamans must also shout ‘shame’ with every strike – Game of Thrones walk of atonment style.”
