A simple solution

Thousands of young men celebrated Pakistan’s Defence Day on Tuesday, in ways that proved they are not fit for military service. Politicians paid tributes to the military men of honour, without specifying if they included Gen Pervez Musharraf. Military leaders vowed to change history, but there were reports they had mobilised people to make changes to Wikipedia instead.

In true military spirit, schoolchildren were forced to attend events that inculcated bravery in them, but it was ensured that their holiday is not ruined with history lessons. Security had been heightened on this occasion and police laid special emphasis on beating up motorcyclists. Civilians were not allowed at the celebrations. There were reports that a fire drill was carried on the occasion, but the rumour was later blamed on rows after rows of empty chairs.

The fact that so many chairs were empty, and that the state-run Pakistan Television has less audience than the number of republican presidential candidates in the US, proves that it is imperative for us to re-evaluate our history and come up with new, out-of-the-box solutions.

The military and its wars: “The Pakistani military loves peace, but its love for peace should not be misconstrued as weakness,” a defence expert said while talking about Pakistan’s military history. At other times, however, the military’s weakness has also been misconstrued as love for peace.

The Indian military, known for having the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age, has thrust four key wars on Pakistan since Independence. The Pakistani military did not fight the first, could not win the second, lost the third and denied fighting the fourth.

In the more recent war on terror against non-state actors, the Pakistani military has often followed the great Gandhian principles of non-violence.

Critics believe the military has been involved in political issues for many years and has lost its ability to fight. “History has proven that political leaders are better at mobilising people for war,” an analyst said, making a veiled reference to violence in Karachi.

“Wise men say a people who cannot fight each other cannot fight the enemy,” a political analyst elaborated. Wise men denied the allegation.

Despite a series of embarrassments including a US raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad and an attack on Mehran naval base in Karachi in which key aircrafts were destroyed, the defence analysts believe the military has the ability to respond swiftly to threats. “Even on the occasions you mentioned,” a defence expert said, “we reacted immediately and called 15.”

Politicians and their economy: Many politicians from across the spectrum also criticise the military for taking away more than half of the country’s money each year and believe the money should be spent on development and welfare. “They steal all our taxes and spend them on housing projects,” a politician told this scribe at his residence in Defence. Asked how much taxes he had paid, the leader subjected this scribe to the same treatment that Dr Amir Liaquat gave to an honourable cleric in his TV programme.

Critics of democracy believe the Pakistani political leadership has been involved in fighting for many years and has lost its ability to run the economy. “History has proven that Pakistani military has always been better at running the economy,” a defence expert said, adding that economic growth since the civilians took over has been slower than cricketer Kamran Akmal’s reflexes.

Politicians however believe welfare is more important than growth. According to a new and remarkable proposal, the government will shut down all its departments, saving billions of rupees in operational costs. “Government employees will now be given their salaries on their doorsteps,” an economist said. New staff will be hired for the purpose.

People and their concerns: Common people have rejected arguments from both sides. Many of them have decided not to depend on the government and the military for prosperity and security. “We do not need the army,” said a citizen from Pakistan’s cultural hub Lahore. “There is a Pir in our locality who can protect us with black magic.” A man from Pakistan’s economic centre, Karachi, said it was possible to earn thousands of dollars on the internet without doing anything, according to information he received in an email from a Nigerian citizen.

The solution: Pakistan is at a critical juncture right now, and it is time for the top brains among us to sit down and devise a solution. This scribe, being one of them, believes after carrying out the above research that the solution to Pakistan’s problems is that politicians should be in charge of fighting, and the military should run the economy.

The writer is a media and culture critic. He just began tweeting @paagalinsaan. The total number of his followers is less than his age.