- The modern in Intrinsic
Man has fared far and wide in search of the equations that would ultimately unlock the secrets of the universe, but there is still not a single equation that could figure out the mind of the one sitting across from you. A grin, half a smile, or just a pleasant presence; there’s no way of knowing this. Should one go the distance taking it as an unknown challenge or take the time out to figure things out before settling down? The inevitability of ending up not belonging to someone as early as in 20s is a concern for most millennial parents and a subject of most conversations post winter-wedding season.
With media channels still figuring out how to address the intricacies of a modern day relationship between a man and a woman in the most quintessential-archaic norms ascribed to both of these, much of what is true is lost in the interpretation. The depiction of a deviant working woman, whose strength lies in the manipulation of others, and the pure stay-at-home wife/mother/daughter is not only irrelevant but also reminiscent of a time when a discourse in literature argued that real life occurs in the grey areas of human characters. Men in these dramas are either the main culprits or puppets of their better (read vile) halves.
With the influence that media has and its ability at directing a narrative, what we have on our screens is a gross over-generalisation of only a segment of the society, isolating many other segments and stories. It also paints a grim picture of what is otherwise intrinsic to beings – the need for human connection. There is a reason why pictures of galaxies far, far away are painted as a love song, the very reason why at the core of every art is the earnest desire to be a part of something bigger. Where we fail to provide our audiences with an avenue for sensible entertainment is where corrupt characters are sometimes celebrated, and in providing the real, messy labour of things, we only fixate on the ugly that is wrong with the society. Nobody talks about the relation itself and what is expected of it.
In the recent wave of December weddings which engulfed the city like the seasonal fog, both most looked forward to and frowned upon, the city at night donned a bright red with a frenzy of fairy lights glimmering against the early evening sky. Peeping through the many wedding halls, marquees and homes were faces full of anticipation and brightly-coloured smiles. Kheer got replaced with gajar ka halwa, kehwa with kashmiri chai and lazy winter days with detailed pre and post actual wedding functions. While most people prefer not to, a large number of marriages are still arranged with parents finding suitable suitors for their children or a combination of the two. What awaits the two is the great unknown. The idea of ‘two figuring it out’ (the millennial lingo) over the course of their lives is perhaps not a bad idea after all, however, what most modern women in this society are perhaps revolting against is the idea of them not necessarily keeping up with the traditional roles already ascribed to them.
All that the ‘empowered’ women are asking for here is that they be given the same leverage in the same relationship to define their role. Women as nurturers for their children, husband and the greater family is not being challenged but redefined in terms of its relevance to the relationship – an idea not properly dissected and digested by the spectators to archaic expectations. It has oft become too easy to sway the conversation by labelling it as a Western narrative that has no real importance in an Eastern society. What this non-pragmatic approach basically entails is that a generation that has been bred on Western media, asked to acquire the accent and Keep Up with them, is somehow supposed to come to true Eastern values which asks nothing from a woman except a long list of compromises and sacrifices.
It isn’t just women, but men too who also have to bear the burden of too many expectations as the sole provider. With attaching too many prerequisites not only are we boxing different individuals, but we’re also removing any space for real personal growth
As I write this to reflect the inquisitiveness with which I approach this subject and the incoherence of my own mind, I can hear my grandmothers, aunts, and the society telling me that real relationships require a rigor in living a vicarious life, especially as a woman. They tell me of the need to sacrifice and compromise for the greater good. While we’ve gone to and fro and seen one too many marriages fail because the amount of expectations didn’t fairly meet the amount of compromises, no amount of Facebook memes will capture the frustration of our generation with this phrase, especially when it is ascribed as a role to a woman.
In essence of this, and what English literature has really taught me is that in the truest sense it is sacrifice, it is compromise, but not as a rite of passage for women but for both in a consensual relationship. Where this doctrine loses its relevance for the many in our society is that it is taken as the emotional duty of a woman to be borne, while the man literally labors a day job for it. For something so sacred that is so strategically based on a system of give and take with little proclamation for space to grow and experiment as an individual is what has made this a rather mundane affair.
It isn’t just women, but men too who also have to bear the burden of too many expectations as the sole provider. With attaching too many prerequisites not only are we boxing different individuals, but we’re also removing any space for real personal growth through sharing a lifetime. People aren’t running away from marriages for want of a modern version of it – they are just asking that it be redefined, that they know what they can bring to the table and be given.
The want to long is idiosyncratic to human nature and is the rawest, most pure want that motivates one to go in search of meaning for life. Relationship in any form should add to this, and not destroy the beauty of it. One can only get a peep of what goes on in the mind of another, all ‘modern’ man and woman ask for is that they be given the chance to explore it in their own way.
