Taliban talks fail after middle ground between stoning and not stoning people to death not found


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

PESHAWAR – The Taliban said on Tuesday they had canceled planned peace talks with US officials in Qatar this week over an agenda disagreement, after the requisite middle ground could not be found.

“Both sides have agreed to not meet in Qatar, because we couldn’t agree on the middle ground between stoning people to death – which we were never going to compromise on anyway – and not stoning people to death,” Taliban leaders based in Afghanistan told The Dependent.

Talks had been planned for two days starting Wednesday in Qatar, with the Taliban having already rejected requests from regional powers to reconsider its propensity towards totalitarianism, autocracy, violence, bigotry and human rights abuse.

“Some of the so called moderate, but sinfully misguided ulema had even suggested ridiculous ideas like the reduction of 100 lashes to 50 – since that is the middle ground between 0 and 100. These are the same idiots who ask for wives to be ‘lightly’ beaten,” a Taliban leader said.

Sources privy to both delegations revealed that deadlock also emerged between cutting hands for theft, and not cutting them, and decapitating people and not decapitating them.

“I don’t understand if Pakistan, for instance, can have Hudood Ordinances – albeit revised – and laws mandating death for crimes of conscience, while still being a nation state in the 21st century, why can’t we?” asked a senior Taliban leader.

“Also, what exactly is the middle ground between the divinely mandated and manmade?” another questioned.