(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
LAHORE – The Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has formed a special committee to nurture ‘wicket-hunter’ Mohammad Abbas and to teach him modest ways of growing as a fast bowler.
According to a confidential source, the committee has been directed that fast bowler Muhammad Asif should not come in the 50-metre radius of Abbas and the latter should be kept out of the former’s influence till he retires.
The decision came after Abbas, in an interview, mentioned Asif as one of the personalities that influenced him. “I played Grade II cricket with Asif… I feel like I learnt bowling from him,” revealed Abbas.
Asif was flattered at this and said, “What I am really pleased with, though, is the fact that Abbas has been taking my advice ever since the days he played alongside me in first-class cricket for Khan Research Laboratories.”
Concerned about such remarks, the said committee has called a high-level meeting to decide whether to introduce the other side of Asif to Abbas.
“Surveillance teams are patrolling near Abbas to ‘neutralise’ any kind of threat to the growing stardom and all pirs of Sialkot – Abbas’ hometown – have been consulted to counter even the remotest possibility of the evil eye,” the source added.
Sources within the PCB have also confirmed that Abbas the special committee will also be tasked with ensuring that none of the members of the Tableeghi Jamaat are found within the same radius limit allotted to Asif.
“We are also asked to monitor pretty much everything he consumes to ensure that nothing bordering on dope can enter the body,” a member of the committee told The Dependent.