Recalling a memorable conversation
‘Most men make marriage difficult by refusing to come to terms with their loss of freedom,’ remarked Uncle Zaki-ul-Hiss, my friend’s father. By what first appeared to be a cruel twist of fate, I could not wriggle out of having to spend four hours confined inside a car with him. The ordeal – which I had kept dreading for a full week in advance – involved picking him up from a guest-house in Islamabad and dropping him at his house in Lahore. Once on the road however, I found him to be delightful company, the kind where there are no uncomfortable silences or wishing that one was dead or in Timbuktu. The best conversation happened during the last part of the journey, and I definitely emerged richer and more enlightened for it. The topic was marital bliss for men.
‘See, men have been marrying women since the very start,’ Uncle Z. explained. ‘Where women have used the intervening millennia to master the art of married-life, most men still struggle with marriage as if it was invented yesterday. In this respect at least, women have proven themselves to be better learners.’ Uncle Z. was sounding decidedly disappointed with the whole male gender population.
‘Why is that so?’
‘Men are too damn emotional in such matters. And it doesn’t help that an overwhelming part of the vast literature on the subject is worthless rubbish, which only makes matters worse.’
‘Men are emotional?’ I was surprised.
‘Yes, in domestic affairs much more so than women. They tend to deal with situations as they ought to be (in their heads), and not as they are. It is very difficult for an ordinary husband to get his head around the rather simple logic that it is only fair for the wife, who has left her home and family to be with him, to make him leave his associations as well, or – failing that – punish him in any other form that she deems fit.’
‘But you do believe it possible for men to be happily married?’ I asked.
‘Very much so. It’s all about understanding the psyche of the wife as well as she understands yours. It’s all about this.’ Uncle Z. tapped his forehead.
‘There’s a common complaint by husbands that their wives can’t stand their having fun of any kind – especially one that doesn’t involve the missus.’
‘What else do they expect? A husband’s having fun makes the wife think that maybe he got a better deal from marriage than did she, which is unacceptable. She might then be tempted to make life miserable for the husband. The key is to be happy without appearing to be so.’
‘It is often said that for a healthy marital relationship one must spend more time with the missus. But is that even possible in this day-and-age?’
‘Nonsense! One needs to spend less – not more time – with her. Absence makes the hearts grow fonder was originally coined with husbands in mind. Weekends are especially deadly in this respect.’
‘What is to be done then? Spending time with friends and playing squash isn’t the solution I suppose?’
‘Absolutely not. For she will most probably be tempted to make life miserable for the husband.’
‘How about spending the weekends seeking to cultivate the spirit of marital camaraderie by joining in on the wife’s gossip of friends and relatives and pretending to enjoy the activity?’
‘Talking of relatives behind their back is highly unbecoming of a man. ‘Besides, it would be counter-productive, for the wife is certain to feel her inviolable space being violated. Not to mention that she would hate the husband’s appearing to have fun. She is certain to make ….’
‘Life miserable for the husband,’ I completed the thought. ‘What’s the solution then?’
‘Find a six-days-a-week job, and talk about your colleagues behind their backs to your heart’s content.’
‘How should the loss of freedom that you referred to a while ago be handled?’
‘By focusing on the resulting spiritual and philosophical development – the loss of freedom is usually accompanied by immense gain in patience and subduing of one’s ego.’
‘What is a husband to do if all his brilliant ideas are rejected out-of-hand by the wife, and it is obvious to all (except her) that her substitutes are ranked non-starters?’ I was eager to ask as many questions as possible, and was conscious of my time with the insightful man fast running out.
‘Wives are critical creatures, especially when it comes to the hubby’s ideas. They don’t exactly relish being told what should be done either. If you present your brilliant idea to her, of course she is going to reject it. Instead, make her present that idea by suggesting something else. Suggesting the exact opposite usually works.’
‘Any other secrets to a happy marriage?’
‘To be prepared to apologise at a moment’s notice is probably nine tenths of marital bliss. It could be anything: the husband’s slothfulness, his forgetfulness, his thoughtlessness, the political discord in Rwanda, you name it. Heck he shouldn’t hesitate to apologise for failing to know what he is apologising for.’
‘But isn’t it a tough ask from most men?’
‘Tough, you say? Who said being a man was easy – a married man no less! Most men despair too soon. The beginner or intermediate level husband would do well to note that veterans are of the considered opinion that it takes 40 years under the same roof before the last rough edges in a marriage disappear, or consciousness of them completely goes away.’
We were now turning into his lane where I was to drop him in front of his house.
‘How did you learn all this, uncle?’
‘By being married 45 years and counting,’ Uncle Z. smiled.
