Maulana Fazlur Rehman wants military operation against jeans-wearing women

Islamabad – Staff Report: Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman on Tuesday requested the armed forces of Pakistan to launch a military operation against “jeans-wearing women” all over Pakistan in a press conference at a local hotel in Islamabad. Fazlur Rehman while highlighting the demerits of an operation against the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) said that the Taliban were not Pakistan’s enemy and the forces needed to target the real enemies of Pakistan.

“The Taliban are our brothers and their angst against the state is justified,” Fazl said adding that, “As brother Ansar Abbasi has so eloquently put: TTP’s suicide bombings are just Allah’s wrath upon us. And so there is a need to earmark and eliminate the real enemy of Pakistan: every woman who wears jeans.”

When asked how jeans-wearing women were enemies of the state the JUI-F chief retorted angrily. “From earthquakes to inflation all kinds of disasters are caused by the immodesty of women. A woman that is not covered like a sack of flour is a walking and talking weapon of mass destruction for her state. And Pakistan has a multitude of such nuclear missiles in all its major cities,” Fazl said, now fuming like a steam engine.

Fazl then went on to lay the blame of the Balochistan crisis, energy shortfall and the deteriorating security situation upon the “immodest women” as well. “If you wrap up these women in sacks and keep them stored in your houses, do you think the Taliban brothers would attack Pakistan? That’s what they want, Shariah left, right and centre and women inside houses living in their sacks. And once Allah stops delivering His wrath via the Taliban the economy would automatically improve through foreign investment, which in turn would improve the energy situation. Every problem’s solution lies in taking care of the women and by that I mean doing away with them.”

Fazl then openly requested the two Sharifs – the army chief and the prime minister – to openly declare war against Pakistani women and launch a military operation. “Pakistan’s sovereignty and the security of the citizens are at stake. And when that’s the case the only logical approach of the state should be to launch a military operation,” concluded Fazl.

Nawaz Sharif to star in The Wolf of Food Street

Our Hollywood Correspondent – The prime minister of Pakistan Dr Mian Mohammed Nawaz Sharif has been signed to star in the upcoming Hollywood movie The Wolf of Food Street, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Hollywood director Martin Scorsese, whose latest movie The Wolf of Wall Street has been nominated for the Oscar award this year, has decided to remake the movie for the Pakistani audience.

The Wolf of Food Street is based on The Wolf of Wall Street, with the Wall Street’s setting being replaced by Food Street’s. The Wolf of Food Street is the story of an ambitious man, whose cunning mind and aptitude for deceit helps him take over the country. How the man propels himself to the upper echelons of the state through the power of Food Street is what the tale is about. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif would be playing himself in the movie.

As with most of his recent flicks, director Scorsese wanted to sign Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead role, but the star found the role of Pakistan’s prime minister too intimidating. “Martin wanted me to play Nawaz Sharif in The Wolf of Food Street, and I politely told him to back off,” DiCaprio told Khabaristan Today. “I mean I could master the Punjabi accent, I could put on the weight, I could also figure out the art of plunging inside bowls of paaye, but how, just how, do I reprise the role Nawaz Sharif plays every time he delivers a speech in front of the Pakistani citizens?” asked the Titanic star. “I mean that level of acting is unparalleled, and impossible to reproduce,” he added.

Scorsese was pretty upbeat about the project and believed that Nawaz Sharif would be the next Robert De Niro and the next DiCaprio. “I always end up having a long lasting relationship with my lead actors. First there was De Niro and now there’s DiCaprio. I think I’ll have the same chemistry with DiNawaz.”

Nawaz speaking to Khabaristan Today after announcing the four-member committee for peace talks with the Taliban said he was ecstatic to be playing the lead role in The Wolf of Food Street and hoped it was the first of many projects involving him and Scorsese. “We’re already discussing projects like Badfellas, Gangs of Raiwind and Stutter Island. Also there’s Waging Bull, where I get to play the bull. I’m super super excited!” the prime minister of Islamic Republic of Pakistan told Khabaristan Today.

Imran launches ‘I am Fazlullah’

Peshawar – Staff Report: Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaaf (PTI) Chief Imran Khan personally launched Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) chief’s autobiography, “I am Fazlullah” in Peshawar on Friday. Imran was visibly in raptures about the personally launch the book of a “good friend and a brother.”

“Fazlullah is a bro, but that’s not why I am launching this book. I believe in freedom of speech not in censorship, especially when it comes to the Taliban,” the PTI chief said. “I am Fazlullah has already been incorporated in the PTI manifesto – not that it added anything that already wasn’t there – and it will be made compulsory in all educational institutions in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa,” he added.

Imran said I am Fazlullah is an ‘inspiring take of ambition, activism and radio jihad’ and that every person in Pakistan should read the book. “I am Fazlullah is an important book not only because of the content but because of the fact that its author would be the leader of this country in the very near future. I’ll make sure it happens,” Imran concluded.

Dr Abdus Salam’s birthday celebrated with fervour

Islamabad – Agencies: The birthday of Pakistan’s only Nobel laureate Dr Abdus Salam was celebrated with enthusiasm and zeal all across the country on Wednesday, January 29. From the prime minister to the leaders of all political parties all paid tributes to Dr Salam whose contribution to physics put Pakistan on the map for scientific development. The TV channels and the print media likewise, were brimming with eulogies for the greatest mind produced by Pakistan in the realm of science who was the first Muslim to win the Nobel Prize.

The clergy especially were enthusiastic about Dr Salam’s birth anniversary and praised him for his services to Islam. “By becoming the first Muslim to win the Nobel Prize, Dr Salam made Muslims all over the world very proud. What could be a greater service to Islam than excelling in global science and getting the approbation of the entire world?” a leader of a religious party said.

“Dr Salam’s achievements and services to Islam are the death rattle for sectarianism,” said another leader. “Every Muslim, no matter which sect he belongs to, can take pride in Dr Salam’s achievements. Dr Salam is the unifier of not only Pakistani Muslims but the entire Muslim Ummah,” he added.

(The stories presented here are a piece of satire).