Aitchison College disowns Ch Nisar, Imran

—Principal calls emergency meeting following statements on Qadir Mulla

–Fears college would directly be held responsible for producing Nisar, Khan

Lahore – Our Education Correspondent: Aitchison College, one of Pakistan’s topmost education institutions, has decided to remove the names of Interior Minister Chaudhary Nisar, and Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaaf (PTI) Chief Imran Khan from its alumni list, sources told Khabaristan Today. Aitchison College’s principal Shamim Saifullah Khan in an emergency meeting on Tuesday gave his verdict on Khan and Nisar, a senior staff member of the college told Khabaristan Today on condition of anonymity.

“There was a time not too long ago when parents would queue up in hordes for their kid’s admission in our college. And now people are gradually taking their children out, hankering after other colleges,” Shamim said in the meeting. “There is obviously one reason behind this exodus. We need to disassociate Chaudhary Nisar and Imran Khan’s names from our college,” he added.

“Since the elections this year those two have been busy defying logic and common sense at the expense of Aitchison College’s prestigious name” Shamim complained. “I mean who in their right mind would call a mass murderer’s killing, an attack on peace? The Taliban have killed over 50,000 citizens and to call Hakimullah Mehsud’s death a hindrance to peace process needs an inhuman level of idiocy to pull off!” he said, banging his fist on the table.

The principal then went on to tell the staff members that the meeting had been called urgently because the duo’s statements following Abdul Qadir Mulla’s execution had created a state of emergency for the college. “Nisar has called that murderer and rapist ‘the flag bearer of united Pakistan’ while Imran claimed that Mulla was innocent. There’s a genuine concern among parents that Aitchison College is directly responsible for producing clowns like Nisar and Khan… and I certainly don’t blame them,” Shamim said. “They fear that their children will eventually manifest an extremist mindset that the mullahs can only envy, if they continue to be a part of this college,” he exclaimed.

“Did you hear what Imran Khan said about Qadir Mulla? ‘He is innocent because his lawyer said so’… Does this country really need satirists?” the principal asked animatedly.

According to college administration’s analytics the only other time negativity is seen in parents’ opinion regarding Aitchison College is when the Pakistan cricket team plays in the UAE. But Ramiz Raja’s commentary was never as damaging as that of Chaudhary Nisar and Imran Khan, analytics revealed.

No war crimes in 1971: Chaudhary Nisar

Islamabad – Staff Report: Pakistan Interior Minister Chaudhary Nisar on Monday said that there had been no war crimes in 1971 and he had no idea what the “fuss was all about.” “War crimes? What war crimes? There weren’t any war crimes in 1971, primarily because no one fought a war in 1971,” Nisar told a press conference. “It’s the anti-Pakistan agents, the enemies of the state, Zionists, Hindus, and Americans, who’ve been spreading lies. Let me clarify this once and for all: there was no war in 1971.”

Nawaz yet to appoint Raiwind head chef

Our Special Correspondent: Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has been accused of indecisiveness during the first six months of his third term as the PM, with key appointments being procrastinated over till the 11^th hour. Be it PIA, SECP, PTA, NEPRA, PDRA, PSM, PTV, ECP, the decisions to sort out their leadership issues were ignored for a long time. And of course there was the small matter of the CJCSC and COAS appointments that were left late till deep into extra time. However, the most important post as far as the Pakistan Muslim League Nawaz (PML-N) is concerned is still waiting to be filled, that of the HC (Head Chef) in the Raiwind Palace.

Whenever PML-N takes its turn in ruling over Pakistan, the Raiwind head chef becomes the most powerful person in Pakistani politics. What most political analysts do not realise is that with PML-N at the helm of government, Pakistan is one half cooked serving of beef nihari away from announcing war against India, one boti-less biryani plate away from negotiating with the Taliban and one indigestion symptom away from releasing an absurd youth plan. It is the HC’s responsibility to ensure that everything runs smoothly in the PML-N machinery.

The kitchen ministry also works in synchrony with Nawaz’s governance methods. All food related authorities are centralised in the PM’s hands, with the wife being disempowered and cooks being sidelined. It then becomes a one-on-one power struggle between the head chef and the prime minister to decide, for example, what type of naan to serve for dinner. Sometimes this results in a coup d’ata, other times there are trials for treason. Serving siri paye without a big glass of lassi or a paratha not dripping with oil in the Raiwind Palace are examples of treasonous acts.

PML-N’s lethargic start to their potentially five-month tenure is the direct corollary of the absence of a stabilising figure in the Raiwind kitchen, experts believe. Nawaz needs to appoint his head chef pretty soon if he wants his stuttering political ship to find its feet in unsailed waters.

Musharraf to be tried for treason for enjoying Ram Leela

Our Special Correspondent: Former president of Pakistan and army chief Pervez Musharraf will be tried for treason after being caught enjoying Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s latest film Ram Leela in his farmhouse, sources told Khabaristan Today. The Article 6 (b) following the 21^st amendment passed by the parliament yesterday forbids any former president from taking pleasure in watching ‘steamy Bollywood movies’ and deems it a treasonous offence.

Eyewitnesses told Khabaristan Today that Pervez Musharraf was seen dancing to Tattad Tattad in the early hours of Friday morning. When cameramen entered the scene of crime, Musharraf started looking in the opposite direction and began massaging his head hastily as if he was in a hurry to shake off the lice in his hair. At first it was believed that he was trying to look away so as to not be captured by the camera, but it was later found that he was merely doing Ranveer Singh’s dance steps – a fact confirmed when the former president jumped on the dining table and started shaking and shimmying a la Ranveer’s hook step. After the footage was recorded, the parliament immediately passed the 21^st amendment the following day.

For the charge of high treason Musharraf will have to appear before a special court on December 24. The court, during the maiden hearing has accepted the government’s complaint registered against the 70-year-old who is the first Pakistani general to face a trial. If convicted of treason, Musharraf could face life imprisonment, death penalty or he could be forced to watch Ram Leela again.

In his defence Musharraf, speaking exclusive to Khabaristan Today said, “To call Ram Leela a steamy movie is to insult both ‘steam’ and ‘movies’,” adding that, “I’m being framed. I might have watched the movie, but I definitely did not enjoy it. It was just Ranveer’s dance that entertained me.”

The former president then promised to fight till the last breath to prove his innocence. “I’m a soldier; I’m a fighter and I am not afraid of anyone. I will prove my innocence even if I have to show the judges Ranveer and Deepika’s ‘Ishqyaun Dhishkyaun’ dance steps,” he said determinedly.

“No, I am not afraid of the prospect of watching Ram Leela again,” Musharraf said. “I have watched Guzaarish twice,” he added.

Kunwar Khuldune Shahid is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune.