Aitchison College disowns Ch Nisar, Imran

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Principal calls emergency meeting following statements on Qadir Mulla

–Fears college would directly be held responsible for producing Nisar, Khan

Lahore – Our Education Correspondent: Aitchison College, one of Pakistan’s topmost education institutions, has decided to remove the names of Interior Minister Chaudhary Nisar, and Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaaf (PTI) Chief Imran Khan from its alumni list, sources told Khabaristan Today. Aitchison College’s principal Shamim Saifullah Khan in an emergency meeting on Tuesday gave his verdict on Khan and Nisar, a senior staff member of the college told Khabaristan Today on condition of anonymity.

“There was a time not too long ago when parents would queue up in hordes for their kid’s admission in our college. And now people are gradually taking their children out, hankering after other colleges,” Shamim said in the meeting. “There is obviously one reason behind this exodus. We need to disassociate Chaudhary Nisar and Imran Khan’s names from our college,” he added.

“Since the elections this year those two have been busy defying logic and common sense at the expense of Aitchison College’s prestigious name” Shamim complained. “I mean who in their right mind would call a mass murderer’s killing, an attack on peace? The Taliban have killed over 50,000 citizens and to call Hakimullah Mehsud’s death a hindrance to peace process needs an inhuman level of idiocy to pull off!” he said, banging his fist on the table.

Aitchison

The principal then went on to tell the staff members that the meeting had been called urgently because the duo’s statements following Abdul Qadir Mulla’s execution had created a state of emergency for the college. “Nisar has called that murderer and rapist ‘the flag bearer of united Pakistan’ while Imran claimed that Mulla was innocent. There’s a genuine concern among parents that Aitchison College is directly responsible for producing clowns like Nisar and Khan… and I certainly don’t blame them,” Shamim said. “They fear that their children will eventually manifest an extremist mindset that the mullahs can only envy, if they continue to be a part of this college,” he exclaimed.

“Did you hear what Imran Khan said about Qadir Mulla? ‘He is innocent because his lawyer said so’… Does this country really need satirists?” the principal asked animatedly.

According to college administration’s analytics the only other time negativity is seen in parents’ opinion regarding Aitchison College is when the Pakistan cricket team plays in the UAE. But Ramiz Raja’s commentary was never as damaging as that of Chaudhary Nisar and Imran Khan, analytics revealed.

 

No war crimes in 1971: Chaudhary Nisar

Islamabad – Staff Report: Pakistan Interior Minister Chaudhary Nisar on Monday said that there had been no war crimes in 1971 and he had no idea what the “fuss was all about.” “War crimes? What war crimes? There weren’t any war crimes in 1971, primarily because no one fought a war in 1971,” Nisar told a press conference. “It’s the anti-Pakistan agents, the enemies of the state, Zionists, Hindus, and Americans, who’ve been spreading lies. Let me clarify this once and for all: there was no war in 1971.”

A journalist then asked Nisar, “How do you believe Bangladesh was created then, sir?” “Bangladesh? Call it East Pakistan you RAW agent!” shouted Nisar, adding that, “We really needed to stop using terms and names spread by anti-Pakistan forces.”

 

Nawaz yet to appoint Raiwind head chef

 

Our Special Correspondent: Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has been accused of indecisiveness during the first six months of his third term as the PM, with key appointments being procrastinated over till the 11th hour. Be it PIA, SECP, PTA, NEPRA, PDRA, PSM, PTV, ECP, the decisions to sort out their leadership issues were ignored for a long time. And of course there was the small matter of the CJCSC and COAS appointments that were left late till deep into extra time. However, the most important post as far as the Pakistan Muslim League Nawaz (PML-N) is concerned is still waiting to be filled, that of the HC (Head Chef) in the Raiwind Palace.

Whenever PML-N takes its turn in ruling over Pakistan, the Raiwind head chef becomes the most powerful person in Pakistani politics. What most political analysts do not realise is that with PML-N at the helm of government, Pakistan is one half cooked serving of beef nihari away from announcing war against India, one boti-less biryani plate away from negotiating with the Taliban and one indigestion symptom away from releasing an absurd youth plan. It is the HC’s responsibility to ensure that everything runs smoothly in the PML-N machinery.

Nehari

The kitchen ministry also works in synchrony with Nawaz’s governance methods. All food related authorities are centralised in the PM’s hands, with the wife being disempowered and cooks being sidelined. It then becomes a one-on-one power struggle between the head chef and the prime minister to decide, for example, what type of naan to serve for dinner. Sometimes this results in a coup d’ata, other times there are trials for treason. Serving siri paye without a big glass of lassi or a paratha not dripping with oil in the Raiwind Palace are examples of treasonous acts.

PML-N’s lethargic start to their potentially five-month tenure is the direct corollary of the absence of a stabilising figure in the Raiwind kitchen, experts believe. Nawaz needs to appoint his head chef pretty soon if he wants his stuttering political ship to find its feet in unsailed waters.

 

Musharraf to be tried for treason for enjoying Ram Leela

Our Special Correspondent: Former president of Pakistan and army chief Pervez Musharraf will be tried for treason after being caught enjoying Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s latest film Ram Leela in his farmhouse, sources told Khabaristan Today. The Article 6 (b) following the 21st amendment passed by the parliament yesterday forbids any former president from taking pleasure in watching ‘steamy Bollywood movies’ and deems it a treasonous offence.

Eyewitnesses told Khabaristan Today that Pervez Musharraf was seen dancing to Tattad Tattad in the early hours of Friday morning. When cameramen entered the scene of crime, Musharraf started looking in the opposite direction and began massaging his head hastily as if he was in a hurry to shake off the lice in his hair. At first it was believed that he was trying to look away so as to not be captured by the camera, but it was later found that he was merely doing Ranveer Singh’s dance steps – a fact confirmed when the former president jumped on the dining table and started shaking and shimmying a la Ranveer’s hook step. After the footage was recorded, the parliament immediately passed the 21st amendment the following day.

Raam Leela

For the charge of high treason Musharraf will have to appear before a special court on December 24. The court, during the maiden hearing has accepted the government’s complaint registered against the 70-year-old who is the first Pakistani general to face a trial. If convicted of treason, Musharraf could face life imprisonment, death penalty or he could be forced to watch Ram Leela again.

In his defence Musharraf, speaking exclusive to Khabaristan Today said, “To call Ram Leela a steamy movie is to insult both ‘steam’ and ‘movies’,” adding that, “I’m being framed. I might have watched the movie, but I definitely did not enjoy it. It was just Ranveer’s dance that entertained me.”

The former president then promised to fight till the last breath to prove his innocence. “I’m a soldier; I’m a fighter and I am not afraid of anyone. I will prove my innocence even if I have to show the judges Ranveer and Deepika’s ‘Ishqyaun Dhishkyaun’ dance steps,” he said determinedly.

“No, I am not afraid of the prospect of watching Ram Leela again,” Musharraf said. “I have watched Guzaarish twice,” he added.

Kunwar Khuldune Shahid is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune.

20 COMMENTS

  1. what a piece of crap, this an arbitrary subjective judgement from a single guy's own point of view. My be he is trying to cover his own failures or whatever the reason might be for ppl not putting their children in that school. Otherwise why would Mr Gary Langlands the old headmaster of the prep school of aitchison would write tweets favoring IK's stances every now and then. Would this stupid a** princi disown the old headmasters and teachers also?

  2. as for this article I must say a very lame idea to put forward by the pseudo intellectuals who always wanna be the so called liberals and term anything a person says that is slightly different from their own fake western dominated mindset as mullahish or talibanization. Get a life suckers

  3. THEN ADD GUNJA SHAREEF' S NAME SARDAR BHUT KHUS HO GA SHABASHI DEY GA ISS KALIAY KO HAD HAI TUTTA POSHI KEE

  4. You tried to be Funny and that’s appreciable. Success or failure is a part of the game. It didn’t bring any smiles unfortunately but that’s not important. What’s important is that you tried. Keep trying and one day you may bring some smiles up.. 🙂

    Best wishes for the future at least..

  5. @aanish hahahaha you took the words right out of my mouth. Shamim Khan is, has been and will forever remain a confused fool. The decline of admissions in Aitchison College has less to do with Imran Khan and Chaudry Nisar and more to do with him, his draconian policies and the decline of quality education in Aitchison (mainly due to the fact that he fired or drove away most of the top notch educators that had been teaching at Aitchison for ages in his first "successful" tenure at Aitchison). Mr.Khan, you suck

  6. I am an aitchisonian and i admire IMRAN KHAN, Shamim has been my principal but who the hell gives him the right to disassociate alumni from Aitchison. They have studied there, lived there and got laurels and honors there how can he take them back. We are proud of Imran Khan and his ideology and take on this US war. His ANP mentality and his Bacha Khan ideology is proven wrong long time ago. He should be disaccosciated because he himself is an aitchisonian and has been the reason for the downfall of aitchison since he has been the principal from 1994 to 2008 and 2012 till present.

  7. A failed attempt at being funny and satirical.
    Honestly, the only good satire ever written was that Malala article.

  8. In context with Ch. Nisar Khan regarding Qadir Mulla, I agree with him. His statement is true, what is the question to hang him after 40 years about 80 years old man only in blame of that he was co-operated with Pakistani Army. What about the Biharies (non-bengali) .The Mutibahni killed them thousand thousand only because they were loyal with Pakistan.
    Imtiaz Ahmed Azmi

  9. Pervez Musharraf is a brave man and a genuine leader that this thankless nation did not appreciate,instead all of the anti-Pakistan elements created a misconception about Musharraf which our nation believed blindly.

  10. college should be ashamed of producing those judged,beauracrates,& generals who robbed the country…imran should disown aithicsons.not the way around

  11. Whats going on my fellows.As if we are living in a Jungle and Shears/tigers chotey ,Barey are around.No concept of Punishment and rewards.We criticize only those who have love and pain for the nation and Society.We need reformers.We need sincere people like General Musharraf .What harms if he is watching Ram leela….Friend here politicians are trying to act like that.Please pray for nation and Gareeb Awam…

  12. The question is not if this article is true or not but the fact is that this stupid old fool principal is capable of anything. The real tragedy is that he is still at Aitchison-please let some body else have a go since you are clearly too stupid and too old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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