How to kill journalists

A step-by-step pocket guide

Anderson Cooper was beaten up by pro-Hosni Mubarak men while covering the uprising in Egypt earlier this year. Moammar Gaddafi’s men shot at Geraldo Rivera who was covering the violence in Libya. Pakistan’s Talat Hussain was detained by Israeli soldiers in 2010. Incidents like these highlight the positive side of violence against journalists.

After a recent surge in conferences and publications on the safety of journalists, it is imperative that independent nations of the world join hands to counter this socialist/imperialist propaganda, and equip patriotic forces in our countries with information that may help them maintain order in the society.

The following is a step-by-step pocket guide for armed organisations in the third world on how to safely kill journalists and maintain peace in their country:

1. The first thing an organised or irregular force needs in order to maintain peace in a country, is a country. There are several ways to obtain a country. The most successful one is to leave the task to politicians and wait until they die. Dead politicians are extremely agreeable and can support a myriad of ideologies to address both short-term tactical goals and long-term strategic concerns. And that takes us to our next step.

2. Create an enemy. While it is extremely useful to have one or more enemy countries directly adjacent, a successful security strategy requires enemies all over the world, as many as possible, who constantly collaborate to conspire against you. Declare your country a fortress of an endangered civilisation, religion, or value system.

3. Create a security strategy. Make sure your key security interests are in other people’s countries. Link the safety and security of your people and the existence and independence of your country to other countries’ domestic politics. Then interfere as explained in the following step.

4. Arm civilians to fight the enemy. Soldiers are not meant to fight, except in extraordinary situations. They are meant to train and support irregular forces, and help them infiltrate into enemy countries where they must fight your war, preferably targeting civilians.

5. Deny. Do express openly your security interests in other countries, and promise moral and diplomatic support to the irregulars you are backing, but completely deny that you arm or fund them. Repeat the denials on all communication channels to an extent that even the families and friends of your recruits start to become confused.

For working examples of the above steps, please see Appendix A – Pakistan, and Appendix B – the United States of America.

6. Create a national consensus around that denial. It is pertinent to mention here that not all journalists are enemies. There are two kinds of journalists, the good journalists and the bad journalists. It is imperative to negotiate with the good journalists and get them on your side. With their help, simulate a consensus among the people of your country. Tell everyone that everyone else thinks like you, so they should too. If someone does not comply, use the good journalists to associate them with one or all of the enemies.

7. Like all good medicine, this approach may also lead to some undesired consequences. One annoyance, of very little significance, is that some of these armed groups may target your own people or assets. Similarly, some miscreants may feel threatened by the peace that you are bringing, and selfishly pick up arms against you.

A successful security strategy would involve blaming these domestic problems on one or more external enemies.

8. In such situations, cunning and opportunist bad journalists will take advantage of your problems and write reports that will hurt the peaceful and tranquil domestic atmosphere as well as your security interests abroad.

As previously stated, a soldier’s job is not to fight, except in extraordinary situations. Most fights should be fought through patriotic groups that support you – in this case, the good journalists.

Declare the bad journalists agents of one or more enemies, and ensure that they stay out of public debate on important issues, especially those pertaining to security.

9. If peaceful methods do not work, seek help of your other patriotic friends – the armed groups that you support – for a more stern warning. Peacefully abduct the journalists and gently beat them up. For a more lasting impact, shave their heads and eyebrows. Investigate if any ransom can be collected for their release, so that it can be spent on the welfare of the people. Otherwise throw them off a moving vehicle. In case peaceful measures do not work or are not likely to work, move to step 10.

10. Kill the journalist.

The writer is a media and culture critic and works at The Friday Times. He tweets @paagalinsaan and gets email at [email protected]