Policy guidelines for a new Pakistan
WHEREAS Pakistan’s esteemed leadership has called for a review of the foreign policy and stated that we shall end duplicity and truly, openly, and sincerely support our key ally in the war on terror i.e. the Taliban;
IN ORDER TO align Pakistan’s domestic and external political strategy with the above-mentioned goal;
It is hereby recommended that the following policy guidelines may be enacted as laws, namely:
1) Pakistan shall declare a war on terror against the United States of America:
However, due to a shortage of resources and for reasons pertaining to military strategy, this war shall not be fought on American soil but instead on Pakistani territory.
It is estimated that the Americans have a high degree of logistical capability in their home country. Further, it is also feared that our men may feel inclined to disappear in the battleground due to reasons including jobs, higher education and inappropriate influence by the local female population. It is, therefore, recommended that the war shall be fought at home, against religious minorities, resistant security officers, as well as passers-by.
Whereas revenge must be sought for any civilian or military martyrdom resulting from an attack made by the enemy, any casualties resulting from incidents of firing and explosions deemed part of the war against the United States shall hereafter be considered as collateral damage.
Domestic destruction of the enemy country shall be left to any Republican candidate that wins the next presidential election.
2) Pakistan’s territorial sovereignty must be protected at all times and at all costs:
This clause shall not be applicable to violations of sovereignty by Taliban, Al-Qaeda and other allied groups.
The following amendment shall be made to the visa laws: Military and customs officials shall examine and scrutinise all persons entering and leaving Pakistani territory by any means other than infiltration to and from Afghanistan. All visitors from Europe and the US, particularly tourists and journalists, shall be considered enemy combatants. Visitors from Afghanistan, Central Asian states, China’s Xinjiang province and assorted Arab countries shall be allowed entry upon presenting a valid assault weapon.
3) Pakistan’s economy shall be made in accordance with religious aspirations of the people:
Primarily, it must be ensured hereafter that there be a complete ban on all economic activity based on interest. All citizens must show a clear lack of interest in the economic and official activity that they henceforth perform.
Usury shall however continue in the banking sector under various fancy terms coined in the Arabic language.
It shall be made illegal to be rich. The crime may be punishable by abduction for ransom. The government shall be declared the sole job creator. In accordance with cultural aspirations of the people, there shall be no work in any holy moth, as well as three months of summer and one month of winter. There shall be five one-hour prayer breaks during the work day.
4) The state shall crack down on moral turpitude in all its forms and manifestations:
Whereas a sustainable resolution to a problem is not possible until and unless its root cause is addressed, women shall be removed from public life in all their forms and manifestations. At a suitable time in future whence the conditions are suitable, it shall be made a crime to belong to the female gender. This shall initially not be applicable to TV news anchors who work within their local gender role definition by speaking loud and initiating fights.
Meanwhile, all such women who have been accused of moral discrepancies shall instantly be punished with flogging. All such women shall be considered equal before the eyes of law and no unfair discrimination shall be made on the basis of guilt or innocence.
Allegations of moral turpitude against militant leaders and other influential people shall only be heard upon the presentation of four eyewitnesses and a judge willing to risk his life.
Women who refuse to marry local or national militant leaders shall be dealt with sternly. Acid shall be available with the police department for this purpose.
5) There shall be an immediate ban on freedom of expression:
The privilege of freedom of expression shall only be available in cases where the expression is in accordance with government policy and social norms.
Blasphemy against religious figures and Imran Khan shall be punishable by death by lynching. All such suspects who have been accused of blasphemy shall have access to justice, except those belonging to religious minorities or speaking in favour of their perceived rights.
Whereas most traditional media are already pursuing this policy, there shall be a strict oversight on the new media. Miscreants shall be followed closely on twitter, and shall not be allowed to run away and hide in secluded places like Google Plus.
The writer is a media and culture critic and works at The Friday Times. He tweets @paagalinsaan and gets email at [email protected]
Iss banday ney kasam khayii wii hey kay kabhi dhang kay chaar jomleh nahi lekheyga!
Agreed
Again a fabulous piece…Bravo Haris 🙂
And whats so wrong about an economy not based on interest?
Clearly you have no interest in it
Great column! Writer knows what he is talking about.
Wahabi Talibans are infidels sponsored and funded by King of Saudi Arabia. Wahabi Islam is new and only 200 years old. It is extremely violent in nature comparing to Sunni or Shia Islam.
Can these fanatics explain why their boss Mohammad used violence as well to spread his authority by invading Syria, Egypt, Iran and rest of the world permitting rape and slaughter of innocent men and women.
O you mother fucker mind your language you piece of shit. We have not invaded any country by so called war on terror actual meaning "war of terror" You fellows are afraid of Islam but they can't stop it. Even they can't handle a small group of Muslim fighters. Where have we slaughtered innocents? These are you fathers (illegal) who are bombing every where Muslims with a slogan of so called war on terror.
Humor is the achilles heel of taliban apologists……well done Harris
Harris for President!
Zardari should adopt Harris
Why, has he been bitten by a mad dog?
Zardari or the comment-er?
i can,t think a more softer word than "ullo ka patha" for this guy.
Try, "ullu ka pillow" – softER!
This guy's a pain in the neck but hilarious nonetheless. A prick, I'd say!
but then you're only inflating his ego by praising him thus
This writer is a piece of shit who considers himself a well known debater. Who the hell are to tell us what is the new policy and what should it be? If Pakistan makes a pro-American policy or keeps it previous one then it alright for you but if we are gonna revise then shitty people like you start crying that we won't support your illegal western fathers but now its enough. We understand your pain and have its solution.
Ha. ha. ha…
being complicated and portraying oneself as one is different. Thats what haris is trying to portay himself. Not sure where his thoughts are whirling.
Perhaps portraying their portrayments in the portrait gallery of the portaitoure's portrayal of his mental self-portraits. Your portrait-parlé is rather comprehensive I must say: it does portray his portrait.
"The Whirligig Portrait"
And Respected bakhtiar hussain :
Is that the best shot you could have come up with ? Maligning sense with radicalism of taliban….And senseless gibberish with being modern liberalism?
Thats very unfortunate!
Respected Butt Saab:
Perhaps you made a mistake in your address? Clearly your first sentence cannot be a reply to Bakhtiar Hussein. As for the second sentence, while all the words do make sense individually, it is rather impossible to know what they all mean when arranged in this order. Perhaps you should read them over again, and reconsider the meaning of the word "gibberish"
Best,
P
lagta iss banday ko kisi halkay kuttay ne kaata hai!
thats one of the most beautiful critical piece i have come across…. Bravo…. Haris (Akhtar Betaa….) …. 🙂
great work!
The pain of pro-Pakistaniat and Right wing Pakistani-Muslims is evident in the comments sections. Of course truth hurts and hurts more to those who build the great empires on the foundations of lies. http://www.ebangladesh.com/2008/12/17/the-last-da…
Loverly……………wonderful………………..its a good essay on the contours, contents of Dar ul Munafiqeen. From Pir Monafiq Shah with love.
when will your auspicious feet grace the noble soil of our Pattoki, Peer Saab?
From Pattoki with Love <3
Hilarious and well-written. Sounds more like Nadeem Farooq Piracha.
Valid subject. Valid concerns albeit exaggerated, but than that's what draws readers' attention.
Visitor
I don;t think it is TALBAN involved in human crimes in Pakistan as for real TALBAN it is easy to handle Pakistan, who are in position to defeat the WORLD…in Afghanistan. This realty so called moderates need to understand. Yes in Pakistan
misguided immature elements are involved in violence to secure interests of enemies. Pak policy makers need to recheck their policies & keeping in mind the background of tribes only fruitful dialog is the best option,as it is impossible to impose unwilling people by force.Confusion is also because of those who deny openly the base of PAKISTAN, which is none other than ISLAM…In case we ignore as few terrorist political leaders & moderate journalists…so called intellectuals claiming Pakistan as secular state…then what was problem with united India…why so killings & sacrifices for Pakistan…& why Kashmires sacrificing continuously…let them enjoy with secular India..if base of Pakistan is secularism…Regards Eng.Mehmood
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