Disaster update

In an innovative move last week, Pakistan’s top political leaders held a special prayer on the request of President Asif Zardari against natural disasters that have hit Pakistan. A government spokesman has denied reports that key members of the president’s cabinet ended up in hospitals after the prayers – an apparent sign that the prayers had been heard.

Torrential rains and massive flooding in the province of Sindh and the Dengue epidemic in Punjab have worsened since, and critics believe it is because Interior Minister Rehman Malik did not read his verses right.

Clerics asked the people of the country to seek forgiveness for their (the clerics’) sins.

This scribe has compiled the latest reports about the various natural disasters that have hit Pakistan:

1) The dengue fever:

Punjab chief minister Shahbaz Sharif has admonished the mosquito community on spreading the dengue fever and threatened them with immediate suspension for showing disobedience. He has put together a task force that will monitor the activities of mosquitoes and furnish a report in two weeks. Several mosquitoes that bit the chief minister were admitted to hospital with fever, nausea and extreme weakness.

The opposition leader in Punjab criticised the chief minister for his poor handing of the issue. Experts say he has taken political point-scoring on the issue of mosquitoes to a level where his own face has started to resemble a fly flapper.

In response, the PML(N) has threatened to organise a “long march” of dengue spreading mosquitoes towards Islamabad.

Members of his the opposition called for a military operation against mosquitoes. But rising star Imran Khan has insisted on negotiations with the winged insects and a peaceful settlement of all outstanding issues. Defence experts believe the interests of the mosquitoes must be made part of any settlements for lasting peace to prevail. The opposition believes Law Minister Rana Sanaullah is secretly backing the mosquitoes.

Biologists believe politicians will eventually win the war against mosquitoes. “Mosquitoes cannot compete with politicians,” a scientist said. “They have basic decency. Unlike Pakistan’s key politicians, they suck your blood only once and leave.”

2) Rains and floods:

The chief justice has taken suo motu notice of the weather in Sindh. “If the rains do not stop immediately, they will be charged with contempt of court,” the top judge said. A government representative assured the court the flood victims would not be left alone. “They will not be alone. Other flood victims will join them soon.”

Thousands of journalists arrived in the province to report about the floods, but most of them were disappointed after their hopes of an encounter with Spongebob Squarepants were not fulfilled.

In a positive gesture, people from India sent their first tranche of aid to Pakistan’s flood victims. It includes several thousand towels. “That’s all they could think of sending off the top of their heads,” an expert explained.

But the sentiment in Punjab is to reject foreign aid. “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep,” a PML(N) leader said. Experts believe the PML(N) will continue to live like lions in Punjab (Lions get things done by brute force, their populations are limited to small habitats, and they don’t have the slightest clue about disaster management), but the same could not be said about the flood victims of Sindh.

3) Altaf Hussain’s speech:

A major natural calamity hit every single one of Pakistan’s news channels last week. Initially believed to be a new episode of Britain’s Got Talent, the programme turned out to be a media conference by MQM’s top leader.

Towards the end of the third hour, a number of analysts said they had been reminded of the movie Inception. “It was hard to keep track of reality, and we were not sure if the protagonist was conscious all this while.”

Despite warnings before and immediately following the start of the calamity, people refused to evacuate. “I am not sure what I am doing here,” said one member of the audience. “That is something I have in common with Altaf Hussain.”

Earlier, Zulfiqar Mirza accused the MQM of violence and killings in Karachi. Asked if he had proof, Mirza said the MQM had hidden all the dead bodies in Altaf Hussain’s speeches. “That is why nobody gets to hear about them.”

According to reports, the union of workers at the Taj Company went on a strike and threatened to quit their jobs after Zulfiqar Mirza and Altaf Hussain’s press conferences. “We have nothing to do with the violence and Karachi,” their leader said, “but they still kept making us pick up the Holy Quran all the time.”

The writer is a media and culture critic. He just began tweeting @paagalinsaan, and can be reached at [email protected]