Buzzing

As Pakistanis, we have a tendency of saying the most ridiculous things in the most convincing manner. Most of the time, we are put up to it by idiots bigger than ourselves. The irony, however, is that while we are usually smart enough to know that going through the motions of a bogus ideology does not make us permanent subscribers; the bigger idiots (some of them, anyway) actually believe what they’re saying. Enter Punjab Governor Latif Khosa, a permanent subscriber to the International Dengue Tribune.
Not too many days ago, this very paper carried a statement of the worthy governor, where he called out the Khadim-e-Aala on his mishandling of the crisis that has hitherto been dubbed ‘Denguegate’. This would have been nothing out of the ordinary, had the right honourable governor-erator stuck to the facts. Luckily for me, he did not and proclaimed loudly (and proudly), “Shahbaz should quit if he can’t control dengue!”
Now you must realise that Latif Khosa, the consensus candidate who succeeded the late Salmaan Taseer, is a most mild-mannered individual who is rarely given to flying off the handle. This is exactly why he was chosen to rule The Punjab, because he was one of the only people not harbouring cannibalistic tendencies against the Super Sharifs Bros. So what could have possessed such a level-headed individual to resort to what can only be described as “nonsensical ranting”? More on that later.
Speaking of former Governor House occupants, one would do good to remember that before Meister Altaf’s Burqa/Purdah item number, the biggest story in the ‘bara sooba’ was the kidnapping of Shahbaz, a scion of the house of Taseer. The poor lad has been missing for a good three weeks, and no one knows where he is.
According to my sources in the kidnapping-for-ransom business (this is not as strange as it sounds; do YOU know what your twice-removed maternal uncle from Lakki Marwat does for a living?), the reason why there has not been a ransom demand so far is either because young Taseer has contracted dengue, or because he has changed hands several times over. You see, abduction is now a full-fledged business enterprise, much like the handicrafts or tuition centre industry. This means that there are several actors involved in the abduction process and if he’s lucky, Master Shahbaz is being treated no better than a store of value and has probably changed hands many times in the past three weeks.
Whosoever picks him up from the last bidder thinks once, thinks twice and then tries to pawn him off onto the next highest (or more stupid) bidder. This is because each of them, stupid or otherwise, knows that whosoever makes that call with the first proof of life, will be inviting a swarm of drones to his village/cave/hole in the ground. These winged terrors, you must remember, carry just more than a mild malarial disease and the condition they inflict is far more permanent than simple platelet loss. The only way to get these insects (Shahbaz’s captors) to cough up the boy is if they are offered an incentive to do so. Something along the lines of “Spare the boy and we won’t kill your families!” might be in order. But then, that would be inhumane and unheard of, or will it? Now do you see that the British had the right idea?
Following the London riots, Meister Altaf is now beginning to feel more and more at home in North London. So much so that he has no qualms about holding press conferences at local pubs. He has also now taken to flirting with journalists and making fun of the ones with funny hats or unfortunately-named media houses. He has also come to terms with the fact that he may not be top dog for very long, especially after revealing his sensitive side. Just as no mob boss in the history of the Cosa Nostra has ever been taken seriously after coming out of the closet, so will Altaf Bhai be relegated to the back benches of believability after his latest public display.
But coming back to the question of the now-venomous governor of The Punjab. Mosquitoes, you may remember, have been the bane of man’s existence; from caveman to Gabbar Singh, all Neanderthals have detested the vile creatures, both for their deadly bite and their incessant impression of the buzzer from ‘The Weakest Link’. But none of this explains why the otherwise affable chromedome is raining acid all over Shahbaz Sharif’s parade. Of course, there is only one condition that fits his symptoms and only one possible diagnosis: irony. The governor, you see, also has dengue. This is no laughing matter.

The writer is not a qualified medical doctor, hostage negotiator or made man.