The chief of the province

Disclaimer: Intended for the purposes of satire.

“Pakistan’s problems will not be solved in parliament, but in the streets,” Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif said on Monday. He did not clarify if those streets included the one from which Shahbaz Taseer was abducted.

The statement is significant because it was made by the chief minister of the country’s largest and laziest province. Shahbaz Sharif is also an aspiring chief of one of the province’s largest party, Pakistan Muslim League(Nawaz) – PML(N). He is stopped only by his elder brother’s refusal to retire.

The PML(N) is known for its bold stance on a number of issues and is represented by the lion – an animal that is brave, loud, runs fasts but in very short bursts, has poor organisation skills and little economic know-how, gets things done by brute force, and its population is limited to very small habitats.

The chief minister returned from his recent trip to Karachi where he proposed solutions to the city’s law and order problems. He said he had made the recommendations after consulting intellectuals, but the intellectuals have denied the allegation. It was initially reported that Shahbaz showed video clips of security failures during his lecture, but participants later confirmed that it was the news of Shahbaz Taseer’s abduction running on TV.

This is the latest in the series of high profile abductions. “Everybody has the right to peaceful abductions,” Punjab Law Minister Rana Sanaullah said. “There are no Punjabi Taliban,” he said to a question. “We are all Pakistani Taliban.”

Shahbaz Sharif has traditionally been open to negotiations with terrorists, but is not willing to extend the same offer to the Punjab Assembly. Sources have alleged that the PML(N) is working on Restoration of Mughal Archaeological Sites and Political System Act. They cited Rana Sanaullah’s moustache as evidence. The party denied the allegation but one party insider opined it would be administratively more effective if the chief minister could at least wear a crown to indicate who is in charge.

Shahbaz said a final decision on how to bring a revolution would be made after Nawaz Sharif returns from his trip abroad. Nawaz Sharif has been the prime minister twice and spent several years in recluse in Saudi Arabia, having been counted out in Pakistan’s politics. But he later returned young and energetic, giving rise to speculations that he was suffering from the Benjamin Button disease. “I remember having seen someone like him when I was young,” an elderly man said when asked about Nawaz Sharif. “But he had less hair. Perhaps he was some uncle of Nawaz.”

“Like a smart ex-prime minister, he pretends he has never been the prime minister,” a political analyst said. Insiders believe it is very hard for Shahbaz Sharif to become the chief of the party, especially because it is named after his elder brother. Sources in the party said if Shahbaz takes over, the name of the party will remain PML(N) -Pakistan Muslim League(Not).

The witer is a media and culture critic. Poke him at http://youbecome.me