Newspapers are funny, but so is the world they report on. And that is why a lot of hilarious headlines do not lure the readers in, but drag them out into an equally funny alternative reality. Then reading the story only ruins the fun. Here are some headlines from Pakistani newspapers in the last couple of weeks:
Accused says he will face accusers in the court: While talking to this scribe, the defence council of the accused declined to say what other options he had. Sources did not rule out a fistfight. Legal experts said the accused’s statement was too optimistic, because it was likely the accuser or accused would not live long enough to face each other on the date of hearing.
‘Pakistan today besets with numerous challenges’: The newly launched Pakistan Today is besetting our older newspaper with numerous challenges after it hired several of our top men. Our newspaper strongly condemns Pakistan Today for ruining the market by such unjustified actions as paying their staff on time.
Woman seeks justice: She declined to talk to reporters. “You have no business asking me what my problem is,” she told a press conference in Lahore. “I will only speak to the judge through my lawyer.”
‘Pakhtuns being neglected,’ says Sherpao: The former federal minister did not say why he had been neglecting them.
Interfaith harmony only way to get rid of war on terror: Religious leaders were unanimous that it is not terrorism but the war against terrorism that Pakistan needs to get rid of. A military officer denied the army knew about Osama bin Laden’s presence in Abbottabad or was protecting him. But he confirmed the arrests of all those who helped the US reach bin Laden. “We’re not so sure about terrorism, but the nation (not the newspaper) must unite against the war on terror.”
PTI to steer country away from war on terrorism says Imran: He promised to move Pakistan towards terrorism and away from a war against it. The former cricket captain said however, that it was not easy to dodge missiles. He said the US was killing innocent Pakistani civilians and that the Taliban were only reacting to this injustice, by killing innocent Pakistan civilians.
Aid suspension to hurt US more than Pakistan: “The emotional trauma is severe when someone you love is hurting herself to death and refuses your help,” a psychologist told this scribe.
Search for Swiss couple’s kidnappers continues: “Our primary goal is to find the kidnappers,” a police official said. “There is no evidence but I have a feeling that if we find the kidnappers, it is likely that the kidnapped couple will be with them. Because they kidnapped them.”
JS did not receive call on pretext of having lunch: “It is extremely shocking for the journalist community that JS did not receive a reporter’s call. We will protest against this heinous lack of prompt action,” a senior reporter told this scribe. Analysts said it was extremely unlikely someone would have lunch. But sources close to JS said he did not speak while eating because of the fear of being misquoted. This newspaper could not ascertain the identity of JS.
Gangs of car lifters rule Rawalpindi: Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly, Chaudhry Nisar Ahmed, denied he lifted cars. Sheikh Rashid Ahmed was not available for comment, hence the boring headline. Analysts looking for a motive behind the crime blamed Hanif Abbasi, who had been seen arriving at the National Assembly on a motorcycle.
Violent protest over relocation of vegetable market: Three innocent turnips died when they fell off a cart. Several tomatoes survived the fall. Cucumbers passing by suffered concussion and were rushed to the nearest refrigerator. Two cabbages suffered minor injuries when a district official tried to eat them raw. He backed down after negotiations that lasted several minutes. “We will not move from this place,” one vendor said. “Our ancestors had been selling vegetables here.”
‘Previous decision was one-sided,’ says petitioner: He threatened to burn himself in front of the Supreme Court if it made decisions that were in favour of only one of the rivals. “The courts are now free, because of sacrifices made by the public,” he said. “They should find a way to agree with both sides and punish none,” he said, “unless, of course, one of them happens to be a leader of Pervez Musharraf’s party or a friend of the president. Justice must be seen to have been done.”
The writer is a media critic and the News Editor, The Friday Times. He may be contacted at [email protected]
