I blog, therefore I am

Hundreds of bloggers gathered in Karachi last weekend for Pakistan’s first social media conference entitled “Pakistan’s first social media conference”, according to a press release that is guaranteed to bring more twitter followers to the seven or eight bloggers it mentions.

“Social media have brought a positive change in the society,” an expert told this scribe. “It has completely revolutionised the way we look at revolutions, cats and Congressman Anthony Weiner.”

“I am dying to ask everybody in person what they had for breakfast,” a twitter enthusiast told reporters. “Good blogs are about making good relationships with your visitors,” a social media consultant said. However, he declined to comment on a question about good content, saying the topic would be covered in some other conference.

Speakers included an Egyptian blogger. Participants deny he gave a quick tutorial to his Pakistani friends on “How Not to Bring a Revolution: The military loves you because you help it take over.”

Key speakers included a newspaper editor who has never written a blog. Organisers denied he had been invited simply because his newspaper was one of the event’s sponsors. As the innovators present at the conference brainstormed about how to monetise their blogs, some praised the newspaper for announcing a refugees status to all bloggers who have filed for financial or intellectual bankruptcy. “It is a great step to pay Rs1,500 to writers who are ready to work only for twitter followers.”

Critics of the conference rebuked the “one man is expert on everything” model of information exchange. “This is not an innovation,” one of them said. “I have been doing it as a TV anchor for several years now.” Asked why most TV personalities were also moving to social media, he said: “Because they like to give an opportunity to teenaged girls to use offensive language against them.”

Protesters outside the premises shouted slogans against new media, calling them an international conspiracy against the Muslim world. “Jews have developed applications like Farmville in order to keep us away from increasing our population,” one protester said.

Another protester accused President Asif Zardari of promoting twitter to divert people’s attention from the fact that they have no jobs.

Asked if they also thought social media was a good way for thieves in Karachi to find out when people are not at home, two protesters’ eyes started gleaming. “BRB,” they said to this scribe before leaving mysteriously.

Also present at the conference was author of the self-published book ‘How to Earn A Millions Rupees Without Doing Anything’. Asked why she had set the price so high and if she says something about the business technique she writes about, the author said: “If the 200 people present at this conference pay Rs5,000 each for my book, I will make a million rupees without doing anything.”

“Like”, one blogger said of his experience at the conference, adding, “GTG.”

The author is a media critic and the News Editor, The Friday Times