I’m divorced not my parents

By
Dr Asifa Hashmi
-
35
210

Protecting the right of the child

 

 

 

The title I chose is a small sentence yet it implies deep grief and pain only a child can feel whose parents are divorced. Divorce, though a legal right of man and woman broadly accepted by society and religion, has negative denominated social response and even is among the most unwanted things not prohibited in religion. I personally don’t deny this important right. Man and women must have the right to decided their future if they can’t sustain a relationship. I only have some concerns about the pre- and post-divorce behaviours of divorced parents.

It is really unfortunate that we have almost destroyed our indigenous institutions and could not build any formal institution which can save this basic institution of our society, called marriage. In the past we had strong family institution whether. The involvement and concerns of elders coupled with their physical and emotional support were like a beacon in dark. Most of the issues were settled through their mediation and arbitration. Even nuclear families were not spared from the influence of elders, who may be living separately but had connection with fragmented parts of their siblings.

Now not only the institution of family is shrunk, the mutual concerns for each other have been orphaned. This is one of the basic causes of fragility of marriage as an institution.

Divorce is definitely not an evil thing, especially when there is no other way to bring peace in life. Yet, it is the responsibility of divorced parents to fulfill their obligations of parenting their children “together” while protecting their basic rights. I recently experienced an incident during a visit to family courts of rural Sindh’s small town where parents were set to meet with children. To my surprise suddenly a scene was created when relatives of the mother ambushed the father of the children. No matter what was the issue and who initiated it, to me both were harassing their own children because they forgot that their minors were observing them. The people around got involved and tried to calm the situation except the children who were ignored by all as if they were orphans.

The situation after separation or divorce is as stressful for children as for their parents. Rather it increases risks that children will suffer from psychological and behavioural problems. Most of the children do not want their parents to separate. This can damage parent-child relationship, lead to lost contact with one parent and become a reason children will have hard times during the divorce transition. Moreover anxious children are likely to develop problems with anger and disobedience and chronic problems at school.

Divorced parents must realise that children need some time to adjust to the new lifestyle they encounter. They need more time than parents to cope with changes that are taking place as a result of the divorce. They must not forget that they are responsible to end the marriage. Young children feel like they are responsible for separation of their parents.

While interacting with divorced couples and their children, I felt that we need formal institutions which can play a counseling role in pre- and post-divorce scenarios with parents who are divorced or intend to get divorced. Moreover, except at a few urban centers family courts don’t have separate portions which in many cases force both children and parents to meet with them in court premises where people of all kinds including criminals would be present.

Almost all the cases of child custody in courts are based on the notion of “best interest of child”. A series of orders of child custody is available which repeats this phrase over and over again to stress on divorcing parents for the goal and position they take while making any decision regarding children. The divorced parent must realise that children are unique human beings with unique feelings, ideas and desires. Each child has a right to continue getting care and proper guidance from “each parent”.

The research available on child psychology indicates that a child should not be dealt as property, nor should the custody be taken as reward for winning in a divorce battle. Both the parents must respect and protect the rights of their kids. These are of various kinds. The right to spend time with each parent, they need both parents in order to develop emotionally. They need to know that both parents are there for them, they have right to love and be loved by both of their parents. The right not to choose one of their parents over the other. The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of their parent’s emotional problems. The right to be kept out of their parent’s conflict including right not to pick sides and not carry massages or hear complaints about the other parent. The right to have feelings, to express their feelings and to have both parents listen to how they feel. The right to have a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if their parents stayed together. And finally the right to be a kid.

The obligation of parents does not end after divorce and it is their responsibility to protect their children from being spoiled. Secondly, it is also our responsibility to bring this issue to light so such institutions can be built which can play a fundamental role to educate such parents in pre- and post-divorce scenarios. The failure to realise this incubates many problems in our society with children who will be raised with a feeling of being divorced by parents.

Judges in civil courts are no doubt playing their part to educate such couples and also try to settle matters but due to huge amount of cases on daily basis it is practically not possible for them to respond to such matters in detail. Hence, a formal counselling centre in family courts can help cope with such cases by saving marriages and also can provided a portion where children can peacefully interact with their parents.

 

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35 COMMENTS

  3. Very true and heart touching write-up. Brilliantly explained the pain of a child.
    You have an experienced grip on the topic. I would love to read you again and again.

  16. Excellent Ms Asifa, you are doer, can do work on these issues , I practically observed your working in your previous organisations. Please carry on the subject you choose . Country needs you and your words…..real development work appreciated

  20. Dr. Asifa Sahiba,
    You have dealt with a subject which is hugely important but has never been talked about. After the separation of parents the children are the main sufferers. Insensitivity of our society towards the plight of these children is unforgivable. You have done a commendable job by bringing to the fore, comprehensively, the issues related to the children of divorced families. I am sure your contribution towards sensitizing the society about the future of such children will make a difference.

  21. Good work Dr.Asifa… this is the issue which is legal in islam and society but have bad impacts .. Really a great work?

  22. آصفہ آپ مے بہت تکلیف دہ موضوع پر لب کشائی کی ہے۔میں آپ کے خیالات سے متفق ہوں اور امید کرتا ہوں کہ آپ معصوم بچوں کو انکے (ماں اور باپ سے ملنے کے) حق سے محروم نہیں ہونے دینگی اور اسی طرح جدوجہد کرتی رہیں گی۔
    میں اور میری تنظیم تحریک جوانان و پاکستان و کشمیر آپکے ساتھ ہیں اور ہم وکلاء کا ایک پینل بھی تشکیل دینگے جو اس معاملے کو عدلیہ کے سامنے ابھارے۔
    نیک تمناؤں کے ساتھ۔
    محمد عبداللہ حمید گل

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