The friend-zone

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What is meant by the friend-zone?

A. The friend-zone refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship, while the other wants to be just ‘good friends’. It can happen in any direction but it’s a matter of common observation that men get friend-zoned much more frequently than women do. Although the concept is as old as the mountains, the term ‘friend-zone’ has just started making its way into the dictionaries. However, considering its recent vintage, it has surprisingly diverse application: as an adjective, a noun, a verb, a participle, you name it. Observe its use in the following examples: ‘The whole battalion of her friend-zoned buddies marched to her rescue.’ ‘I fear the friend-zone more than death itself.’ ‘He offered her his heart; she responded by friend-zoning him.’ ‘He was a regular idiot.’

Q. Why is it so dreaded? Isn’t being a friend the next best thing to being romantically involved?

A. It definitely isn’t. The object of your affection is within an arm’s reach, and yet oh-so-far – the situation offers you no closure at all. It has been compared, by people in the know of such things, to hell’s own waiting room.

Q. How can you escape the friend-zone?

A. Well, you don’t. Because it is almost impossible not to continue doing, even more painstakingly, things that landed you in the friend-zone in the first place. That is, being even nicer, more gentlemanly (or lady-like), more attentive, more available.

Q. How to avoid being friend-zoned?

A. It’s always the nicer, agreeable, usually organized boys and girls who get friend-zoned. Sleeping on mats instead of beds, being randomly nasty, eating pizza instead of real food, smoking something or the other, bragging that one’s folks don’t understand one and – above all – wearing an aura of mystery and elusiveness (for there’s nothing men and women are more fascinated by than these two qualities) considerably reduces the probability of being friend-zoned. (Men and women who display the opposite of these qualities are at the highest risk.)

Q. Why would somebody allow himself/herself to be friend-zoned? Does it ever prove fruitful?

A. The unwillingness to make a clean break from the object of one’s affection forces many people to submit to the torture. They keep up hoping for a change in their status, which almost never happens. According to rough estimates no more than 0.5% of all friend-zone victims manage to eventually capture the hearts of their angels. Most of them end up getting married to these angels. (The remaining 99.5% also get married – albeit to other angels.)

Q. What sort of a thought process goes on in the mind of the friend-zoner?

A. There can be any number of factors prompting a person not to reciprocate somebody’s romantic advances – financial aspects, looks, chemistry – which may or may not be the doting party’s fault. However, it is not rare that the loved one has no time for somebody who is already conquered (and without any effort at that) – and this is definitely the doting party’s fault. The implicit or explicit offer of ‘lifelong’ friendship (instead of a blunt refusal leading to complete severing of ties) is usually due to an unwillingness to let go of somebody whose mere presence is a constant boost to one’s ego.

Q. Why is it that much fewer women end up in the friend-zone as compared to men?

A. Keen observers of the human experiment attribute this to men’s greater capacity for multitasking, although in recent times many women are allegedly catching up fast. This is a very promising area of exciting research, open for energetic and passionate students of the human nature.

Q. What is the best course of action for somebody who is head-over-heels in love but is wary of coming out, so to speak, for fear of being consigned to the friend-zone?

A. It’s probably too late to ask this question if somebody is already head-over-heels. It is best, of course, not to be an ass in the first place.

Q. The man/woman I love is greatly agitated if there’s even a hint of my involvement with somebody else. Surprisingly, when a few months ago I bared my heart to this same person, I was duly friend-zoned, albeit in a very courteous manner. Does it mean I am out of the friend-zone now?

A. It means no such thing. There’s no escaping the friend-zone. When in a hole, stop digging.

Q. If men and women can’t be friends to start with (as many people believe they can’t), how come this whole friend-zone thing is working?

A. It isn’t. Well, I take that back – it is working admirably for the friend-zoner; sadly not so much for the friend-zonee.