One step at a time, we need to build a more empathic society
Last week, an old friend came to see me. Apart from the usual “hello, hi, how are you”, she sounded a little upset while talking about her relationship with her mother-in-law. She was telling me that she has many issues with her, and that the same is true for the other side. She asked me how to “handle” her mother-in-law.
After she left, I thought that it would have been nicer if she had asked me how to fix the problem and have a smooth relationship with her mother-in-law.
The basic problem in such cases is that we do not take others’ emotions into consideration. In most cases, we lack the basic understanding of our own emotional impulses and the emotions of others.
In simple terms, emotional intelligence means the ability to identify, assess and control one’s own emotions, the emotions of others and that of groups. It starts at the very beginning in the life of a child, whose mother is the one who deals with that child the most. Unlike scientific facts, emotions are more difficult to understand, especially in others. We sometimes think that babies are not capable of feeling or processing emotions, and this incorrect belief leads to the ignorance of their early emotional needs, which can be very detrimental in later life. When a mother shouts over her baby’s cries, she looks for her own comfort and she forgets, for the time being, her baby’s requirements. When a mother cannot understand her baby’s emotions, we have no right to expect that baby to show other people patience and understanding later in his life.
Later on, this responsibility of teaching emotional intelligence falls on the shoulders of educational institutions. Have we ever realised why our students are becoming less tolerant? Have we ever tried to find out why we always prioritise our own feelings over others’? And why is it that people resort to violence over petty issues and even turn against their own family members?
When we produce one less emotionally intelligent teacher, we end up producing a whole class of students who are emotionally unintelligent. The same chain of consequences prevails in every other profession.
Frustration in one way or the other is inevitable in almost everyone’s life. When not dealt with properly, it converts into either aggression or depression. People need to be able to know their own emotions and manage them. Only then will we reach the second phase of understanding others’ feelings.
Effective communication plays a vital role in developing emotional intelligence. What a daughter in law wants from her mother-in-law and vice versa can be realised with communication. Making the other person understand what we want to say and also understanding their side is very important. Calmness and politeness in communication lead towards patience in dealing with others.
What you want from others – for example, they must listen to you patiently – start with yourself. The skill of reading others’ feelings stems from being open to our own emotions; self-awareness is crucial. The more empathetic we are, the more attuned we become towards noticing what others need.
Start from home, implement it into schools and end up instilling emotional intelligence into students. In educational institutions, this can be done through role-playing activities, such as dramas and plays as well as the availability of school counselors, and an open line of communication between teachers and students. Adults also need to seek guidance in controlling their anger so that they can impart similar positive values on the children around them.
One day, I was with a friend in his car. On our way, another car came and bumped into my friend’s car. My friend got out of his car and saw that the bumper of his car was broken. The same happened with the other car. I was watching my friend. Without uttering a single bad word at the other driver, he let him go. If they had started to fight with each other, like most people would have done, the only result would have been yet more aggression: that is not a value we want our society to embody.
Be the change you want to see. It is always positive to see even one person doing that, which encourages others to do it too. After all, change is not sudden. It happens one step at a time.
Take that first step. Reflect on your own emotions, be in touch with your needs and feelings and take those of others into consideration. In this way, we will start to build a more positive society, one person at a time; one step at a time.
