Speak some more, lie some more

Jadhav was the best thing that happened to our security agencies. Suddenly, it wasn’t the agencies’ fault there was no peace in Karachi, or in Punjab, or in KP or in Sindh or in Balochistan or in FATA, because, you know, India

 

So while we were dancing to the newest release of the ISPR, ‘Jadhav the Indian Spy’, and wondering how much we will get once we expose the dirty Indians for the terrorists they are – whether we would get a huge load of money or a more huge load of influence, or both – Modi went and he rained on our parade, which hadn’t even started (we didn’t even have our pants on).

Do you remember the good old days – and by that I mean March – when Jadhav had just been arrested and we had high hopes? And we planned to do stuff:

“Pakistan has taken up the issue of the arrest of an operative of the Indian spy agency Research & Analysis Wing (RAW) from Balochistan on international level,” a report said days after the arrest.

“Pakistan has apprised United States (US), Russia, China, France, United Kingdom and Germany of India’s subversive activities inside Pakistan,” a report said days after the arrest.

“Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan says that Pakistan will also seek Iran’s help pertaining to the interrogation of the foreign spy,” the report continued.

We were going to raise this issue at all the international forums (the plural of ‘forum’ is ‘fora’, I discovered during those days, but decided to stick with forums).

Jadhav was the best thing that happened to our security agencies. Suddenly, it wasn’t the agencies’ fault there was no peace in Karachi, or in Punjab, or in KP or in Sindh or in Balochistan or in FATA, because, you know, India.

Anyway, I like to think that the ‘important military huddle’ which happened the day before Obama and Modi tied the knot, and about which all the newspapers had something different (and wrong) to say, took place only to discuss this bombshell which they knew was coming. But since the government was not at liberty to disclose the actual details – I mean, what are you going to do? Tell people the truth? That’s unheard of, and never a sound strategy.

Or maybe they didn’t know.

Of course, one of our favourite games is when we make everyone guess if we’re batting for the enemy or simply incompetent. Usually, the answer is: both.

And our media, God bless them, truly rose to the occasion. They proved once more that facts can only pigeonhole a good storyteller. Without the facts, a story is like a gilded box closed by a curse – a good kind of curse. It can contain a treasure – pearls maybe, or gold coins – unless you know for sure, the possibilities are endless.

So, the entire media focused on what the meeting was about, because they didn’t know one thing that actually happened in the meeting.

CPEC was a safe bet. Civil military relations, even juicier. Maybe the army was taking the government to task for their inability to raise the issue at all the forums the army wanted them to – and with the army inviting Dar and Sartaj Aziz to the GHQ, the optics couldn’t have been better for Nostradumbasses of this persuasion.

Our Foreign Office has been a punching bag for everyone, and I mean everyone in the country. The government, the opposition and the army all have bones to pick with the Foreign Office for failing to get us the F-16s, for failing to stop America from getting in bed with India and for generally being bad at their jobs.

A story published in Pakistan Today on May 6, said this:

“Karim Khawaja of Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) said that Pakistan’s Foreign Office and diplomats were not doing their job properly and professionally. He said none of the Pakistani ambassadors brings any foreign investment in Pakistan.”

 

If the US had given even a small, meaningless statement that had sounded like it was in our favour, we’d all be like: “Yeah, that’s it… Hahahahah… We were right… Ha hahaha… We were always right. The international whatever knows we’re right… hahahahaha”

 

I remember the story well because I edited it myself. I remember getting so mad at the ambassadors I couldn’t understand why almost all of their budget demands had been approved, which too was part of the story, and went on to say:

‘“They merely want their children to get education from abroad in good institutions. They have no concern with Pakistan,” Karim Khawaja said.’

The civilian government, on the other hand, was being blamed by the army for not raising Jadhav’s issue sufficiently, and the clear conclusion was that the army had once again done its job but was being buried under the avalanche of the civilian government’s incompetence.

But the truth always comes out in the end… just kidding.

If you have a strong enough faith in your reality, facts are a mere nuisance. If you don’t believe this, don’t read further, and save your faith.

Modi’s victory appeared so complete it shouldn’t have left a doubt in anyone’s mind, that at least this round of battle had been squarely lost.

India had been declared ‘major defence partner’; the US had agreed to share all sorts of technology with India; Obama was going to text Modi what colour underwear he was wearing; they were going to share terrorist screening information and there level of cooperation was going to be the same as with ‘the closest allies’. They weren’t just going to share friends; their enemies were to be the same too.

Modi’s speech in Congress was a rousing success. He was applauded 64 times and was given nine standing ovations. Some Congressmen even asked Modi for his autograph. Can you imagine?

But as bad as that is for us, it doesn’t really reflect well on the US Congress either. They had imposed a ban on Modi for over 10 years over the killing of 2,000 Muslims in Gujarat. The ban was lifted barely two years ago, and they’re already gushing over him.

So, the 2,000 Muslims? Already forgotten. America has already moved on to spreading democracy and superior principles to other parts of the world. At least as far as the drones can fly.

What happens to us now?

So everything we’ve been told about the way foreign policy works has been wrong. And our rulers, the civilian government, the army, the foreign office, I hope they were all lying.

Let me repeat. I hope they were all lying to us. Because consider the alternative. If they believed what they were telling us – that as soon as they mention Jadhav, India will back off; Afghanistan will face a shame defeat; America will have to break up with Modi and we will get Iran as bonus – it means their entire worldview was also wrong.

But if you expect anything to change after this debacle, you’re already too late.

It didn’t take long for the civilian and military leadership to get their story straight, and the media, always close at service, has already strung a great narrative, where we are once again the victims and India the villain.

The brand new narrative, just off-the-shelf says that international powers (meaning America and India) have joined hands to thwart the CPEC. It’s that simple.

If the US had given even a small, meaningless statement that had sounded like it was in our favour, we’d all be like: “Yeah, that’s it… Hahahahah… We were right… Ha hahaha… We were always right. The international whatever knows we’re right… hahahahaha.”

But now that the US has sided so comprehensively with India, all we can say is “eh… they’ve always been together”.

Make no mistake, the media will support the government no matter what. We will fool the public for you. We’ll polish that turd for you. But you better get your act together too. How long can we distract the public with anything that looks shiny or dangerous? Just kidding. We can fool them forever.