COURTESY Huff Post
Ever wondered why you keep ending up with the wrong guy every time you try your luck at relationships? In the beginning they all seem different, but by the end none of them even come close to being ‘Mr Right’?
The reasons may be more to do with you than them. According to HuffPo, relationship experts share seven reasons why you may be attracting wrong guys:
- You are scared of being alone
Haven’t been single since you were in high school? You might begin to think of being single as a bad thing and fear being alone without that one person. This leads to desperation to stay in relationships just to avoid being alone, and that’s never a good thing.
Psychotherapist Elisabeth J LaMotte, founder of the DC Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, says, “Women who know how to enjoy their own company and build an independent, fulfilling life are in a much better position to choose a worthy and suitable partner. When you feel anxious or afraid to be alone, you usually haven’t developed a strong enough sense of self. That can lead you to choose romantic partners from a place of desperation rather than a place of strength.”
- You haven’t decided what your relationship deal breakers are
For every person, there are certain things that are total deal breakers in a relationship: things you just cannot tolerate in your partner. Think about what these things are in your case and make a mental list of them. Then you can avoid being with guys who have those traits.
Jennifer Barrows, a wellness coach based in Boston, says, “Before you fall for Mr Wrong all over again, do some thinking about your values, what you want in a partner, and which things would break the deal for you.”
- You think you can change him
This is a recipe for disaster right from the beginning. If you look at guys like projects that you can “fix”, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Some small quirks may be changeable, but you won’t be able to change his major personality traits and individual problems, so stop trying.
Jennifer Barrows rightly summed it up, saying, “If you are already saying to yourself that you can change him, think about what that really means. It means that he has smashed right up against one of your deal breakers. He won’t change, you will give up one of your core values in trying to change him and there will only be conflict and heartbreak in the end.”
- You haven’t figured out what you need in life, independent of relationships
Perhaps the reason why you’re tolerant of his emotional baggage is because you know you have a lot of your own that he deals with. Instead of focusing on the guy, focus on yourself and deal with your issues. Think seriously about what you want to accomplish in life apart from your relationship, and work towards that goal.
Divorce coach Kira Gould says, “We will continue to make the same mistake over and over again until we learn our lesson — whatever that mistake might be, including dating the wrong type of guy.
“Do you have daddy issues you haven’t addressed? You might continually fall for a guy who treats you like a little girl. Not sure what your purpose in life is? You always find yourself with workaholics. If we don’t pay attention to what our core issues are, the lessons just keep getting louder and the guys get worse and worse. Address your own issues and you’ll attract guys with considerably less baggage themselves.”
- All the guys you fall for seem to have creepily similar qualities
It’s natural to have an affinity for a certain type, but if your type of guy is someone with a lot of issues, it is best to experiment with a different ‘type’.
Jennifer Barrows says, “It goes against logic to keep choosing guys that will ultimately hurt you, but matters of the heart are not always logical. You’d like to think that you won’t go for someone whose values rub you the wrong way, but if you’ve done it 10 times before, it has become familiar and you might mistake it for feeling right.”
- You fear commitment without even realising it
It’s possible that you’re attracted to guys with commitment issues because you too feel the same about being in a relationship, even if you haven’t realised it yet. But don’t worry; this is something that you can fix when you are ready to settle down.
Elisabeth J LaMotte says, “People sometimes reject wonderful partners who exist in plain sight but are not recognizable to them because of their fear of commitment. Sometimes they’re not even fully aware of this fear. You can practice giving kinder, more available men a chance. You can learn new approaches to dating and relationships. The fear of commitment is quite solvable.”
- You don’t think you deserve better than what you have
Your self-worth is reflected in the men you are with. If you think you deserve something, you will keep putting up with it and ultimately end up heartbroken.
Brenda Della Casa, author of Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can’t Find (or Keep) a Prince, says, “It really comes down to us and what we feel we deserve, which is something that can only be worked out internally. If you’re constantly finding yourself in relationships with people who devalue or disrespect you, the question really becomes, ‘What am I getting out of this?’ Is it reinforcement that you’re not good enough, can’t do better or aren’t worth more? Ultimately, the question is not how to change your partner but how to make changes that will attract (and make you attracted to) healthier partners.”
