Islamabad – Our Finance Correspondent: Following the budget announcement speech on Tuesday, Finance Minister Ishaq Dar has decided to take the unused tax net to a fishing trip, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The focus prior to Tuesday’s announcement was on the tax net, and the finance minister successfully managed to keep the net away from the spotlight, leaving journalists and analysts alike.
“It was not easy,” Dar said in an exclusive interview with Khabaristan Today. “All eyes were on the tax net and I had nothing else to rely on for this weekend’s fishing trip. I had to make sure that no one saw the net,” he added.
The finance minister then went on to add that tax “net” was a misnomer and that it was more of a large handkerchief.
“Again, I do not want to reveal it, but think of the tax net as a large handkerchief and not really a big net per se. Like last year’s ‘tax net’ could not even make one third of a tennis net,” Dar said adding that, “we actually had to go out and purchase a new net for my club.”
When asked how such a small net would help him on his fishing trip, Dar smiled sarcastically.
“I am not a big fish person. Prawns, oysters, clams, anchovies, other small fish, these are what I normally aim for. Big fish can be dangerous, and it is never a good idea to make them mad. Also you need a really big net to catch the big fish and I never seem to have one,” he said.
Dar then went on to explain the pointlessness of a bigger net.
“Also, how is a bigger net going to be of any use if one does not put the catch to proper use?” asked the finance minister.
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Altaf bhai urges supporters to be violent peacefully
London – Our Altaf Bhai Correspondent: Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) Chief Altaf Bhai has urged his fans and followers to either be peacefully violent or violently peaceful, oxymoronic sources privy to Bhai told Khabaristan Today. Altaf Bhai has been arrested in London on charges that we will not mention here because a copy of Khabaristan Today goes to Karachi as well. It is pertinent to mention here that ever since Bhai’s arrest Karachi has become the hub of turmoil. Even so, it would not be wrong to say that Karachi was precisely that prior to Bhai’s arrest in London. The situation however is much worse as things stand.
“Bhai wants his followers to remember ‘teen talwar’ as MQM’s symbol of peace,” our source told Khabaristan Today. “I mean of course he would want the MQM supporters to block roads, burn tyres, disrupt traffic, cause a shut down in Karachi and create a general atmosphere of insecurity in the city, but he wants this to be done peacefully. Bhai has always believed in peaceful violence,” the source added.
It is also important to mention here that on the day Bhai was arrested, the Karachi Stock Exchange (KSE) took a 700-point nosedive. Our source suggests that Bhai’s importance to Pakistan’s economy is second to none.
“Bhai undoubtedly is the father of the nation. He is the father of the KSE, the father of the economy, the father of Karachi and soon to be father of Scotland Yard as well,” the source said, adding that, “For KSE to survive, Bhai needs to be back in his home safe and sound, as soon as possible. The same goes for the survival of Karachi itself.”
The inmates of the prison where Bhai might eventually end up are eagerly anticipating his “guest appearance”.
“Sure, he might be the father of a nation, but for me he is an entertainer through and through,” an inmate said. “I would love to see him sing British jingles for me,” he added.
“I personally want him to imitate David Cameron,” another prisoner said. “Now that would be super entertaining,” he concluded.
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Misbah to become player chairman
Lahore – Our Sports Correspondent: Pakistan is no stranger to musical chairs when it comes to key cricketing appointments. The national team captain is always at the centre of a circus and the same goes for the head coach, manager and other coaches as well. However, a cricket board chairman merry go round is unchartered territory even for Pakistan cricket. The tug of war between Najam Sethi and Zaka Ashraf has become embarrassing and hence the National Assembly following orders from Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has formulated a committee to “sort out the circus as soon as possible”, Khabaristan Today has learnt.
The committee, whose members want to remain anonymous, at least for the time being, has come up with a permanent fix to bring stability at the helm of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). The word is that Test and ODI captain Misbahul Haq will be appointed as the PCB chairman, and will henceforth be employed in a dual capacity as the ‘player chairman’.
“We believe Misbah is the right man to become the PCB chairman,” a committee member told Khabaristan Today. “His age suggests that he is more suitable for his new role than his previous role, but his effectiveness in the previous role suggests that he would be plying that trade for the time being as well,” he added.
Misbah is expected to bring in much needed stability at the PCB.
“We have all seen how Misbah stabilised Pakistan cricket following the spot fixing saga. We need him to do the same at the cricket board,” another committee member said.
The committee meanwhile has scheduled a Najam Sethi Eleven vs Zaka Ashraf Eleven T20 match, with the winner between Sethi and Ashraf becoming the next national T20 captain.
Note: This is a piece of satire and meant to be taken as such.
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