Breaking news

What you should know this week

This issue of the Fraudian Slip is going to be breaking several pieces of news to its audience. We’re bringing you the news before anyone else even knows that it’s news.

Saudi preacher says travelling to Pakistan is haram

Sheikh Abdullah al-Suwailem has expanded on his earlier decree that travelling to kaffir countries is haram by further establishing that travel to Pakistan is also haram. The country has a long-standing history of not being able to resolve its religious issues. As things stand everyone and everything in Pakistan is kaffir, making the country a dangerous place to travel to for anyone from Saudi Arabia, which is the original land of the pure. The Sheikh further reiterated that whoever dies in an infidel and kaffir country could end up in hell. This is troubling news for Pakistanis who are almost always telling each other that while their one-way ticket to the stairway to heaven is confirmed, the other person is indeed headed for the fiery pits of hell.

In order to get back in the good graces of the Saudi Sheikh, Pakistan will first have to decide if there is a relevant segment that is absolutely Muslim, and then ensure that said segment is in majority. For example, most Sunnis fear that Shias maybe kaffir, and Ahmadis are thought to be kaffirs by default. Further complicating matters for Pakistan are the actual non-Muslim minorities including Hindus, Paris and Christians. Most recently, the country has also been battling a steady war against freethinkers, agnostics and atheists etcetera etcetera. The Sheikh has outlined that Pakistanis might have to apply for an “I’m not a kaffir” certificate soon in order to be able to travel into Saudi Arabia as well (much like the polio vaccination).

YouTube tax to be announced soon

The government has finally found a way to make everyone happy and bring YouTube back. Since Pakistan is a developing country, the only logical thing to do about the YouTube debacle was to monetise it for the government’s revenue. The move is being applauded by many as being the solution to all of Pakistan’s GDP problems. It’s a sure short two-birds-one-stone solution. This isn’t the first time such a strategy is being implemented in the country. During the last few years telecommunications companies have seen unprecedented taxation. The more people enjoyed using their phones to communicate with others, the more these activities got taxes. Judging by YouTube’s popularity amongst the masses it is expected that the Sharif government will be able to pay off all foreign aid and debts by the end of its tenure through tax money earned from YouTube alone.

At this point most people aren’t sure how to feel about the new tax that has been announced; however, like previous taxation policies it does seem like the matter is going to be up for debate.

Warid to launch 5 1/2G services nationwide

After getting miffed by the PTA’s decision to play hard to get with the company when it comes to the 4G license problem, Warid has now decided that it will go ahead and provide services that no other company can even dream of bringing to Pakistan. The firm had earlier refused to participate in the 3G/4G auction because it felt that it had a right to operate under its original license. After the PTA yo-yoing between a yes and a no, the company finally seems to have had enough. In an official statement, the CEO announced that they would be launching the 5 1/2G services by the end of the month and offering it for free to all users. “If we offer it for free then it’s a free service and we don’t have to pay the government a penny”. Experts are lauding the move as extremely brave and somewhat confusing since without a license Warid will have trouble running any real services for its users. At present, all Warid customers are extremely excited about the news that they will be receiving free upgrades. Let’s see if Ufone, Mobilink and Zong follow suit.

Veena Malik to become preacher

Veena Malik is one talented woman. After her transforming from bad actor to good pure woman, the lady had recently announced that she would soon be entering politics. However, it seems like she has more tricks up her sleeve. Following in the footsteps of her favourite preacher i.e., Maulana Tariq Jameel, Veena is expected to soon start preaching good Muslim values to the masses. Veena feels that her past work will help her in her upcoming career prospects and sees this as a good move for the long run. Veena had earlier proclaimed that she had a spiritual crush on Tariq Jameel’s soul and it was only a matter of time before she started acting more like him. Let’s see what the future holds for her, hopefully it will not be as disappointing as her acting career.

The author handpicked the most important news to be shared with the audience this week. The writer can be reached at: [email protected].