Such irony, much sincerity, so confusion, how amaze…
Chappal-gate and famine-ism are the two latest trend-words on social media today. Both refer to incidents that may sound absolutely ludicrous, but for completely opposite reasons.
The former is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the blatant plagiarism inflicted upon the shoemakers of Peshawar by the UK-based apparel designer Paul Smith. “That this opportunist, orientalistic Englisher has had the audacity, nay the gall to steal so blatantly from the impoverished Pashtun the very symbol of their pride and hawk it on the global market at nearly ten times the price of the real thing; well, this is just unacceptable!”, raged a 39-year-old housewife on her Facebook page. Another enthusiastic Twitter user urged all local product manufacturers to obtain patents before any more of their designs and ideas are ‘appropriated’ by the greedy goras.
In a related story, the World Trade Organization is taking a renewed interest in Pakistan and is calling for comprehensive implementation of all global Intellectual Property laws. Therefore, as per their routine, local police have begun cracking down on all pirate CD-DVD-Blu Ray vendors. Mass burnings of pirated content are taking place in Urdu bazaars, Hall roads, Rainbow centres and Zaitoon plazas all over the country. The WTO says that it supports the cause of Peshawari chappal-manufacturers and is cracking down on pirated DVDs in order to protect the chappal-wallah’s rights. The chappal-wallahs, meanwhile, don’t see it quite the same way and are protesting. “What will I do to keep customers entertained at my shops? No one wants to watch Geo News, all they want to do is ogle Punjabi mujra dancers and Pamela Anderson, and maybe buy a chappal or two in the middle. I’m ruined!”, exclaimed one artisan.
Famine-ism is a term also coined by internet-trawlers to describe the outrage against the Pakistan People’s Party and its government in Sindh for failing to prevent a massive drought in the desert region of Tharparkar. Fingers have been pointed and accusations leveled against that most well-intentioned of political scions, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. But Super Saeen, it seems, is not impervious to all criticism.
Famine-ism is a term also coined by internet-trawlers to describe the outrage against the Pakistan People’s Party and its government in Sindh for failing to prevent a massive drought in the desert region of Tharparkar. Fingers have been pointed and accusations leveled against that most well-intentioned of political scions, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. But Super Saeen, it seems, is not impervious to all criticism. However, despite insinuations about his manhood circulating in cyberspace, the bright lad made an appearance alongside his mum’s old rival, the current PM during a hospital visit in the famine-stricken region. This was seen as a confidence-building measure, as prior to this impromptu visit, experts had painted a picture of Bilawal in a fetal position, blabbering incoherently and inconsolably with his thumb in his mouth, crying, “Why isn’t Clark Kent here to save us?”.
On the hand, the chief coordinator of relief services Arbab Ghulam Rahim – who was the star of his own chappal-gate episode only a few years ago – has blamed the Hindus affectees of the drought for not eating meat. “Of course, famine-ism is everywhere. But we Muslims can kill cows and eat them for their nutrition. But these Hindus, they can’t, you see. Hence, famine,” said Rahim, shrugging his shoulders.
Shahid Afridi has lashed out against accusations that he is a misogynist. In a statement issued to the head chef at his swanky Splice Signature restaurant – named after his favourite cricketing shot – the fiery Pathan made it clear that did not mean to be insensitive towards women when he made those remarks about how they should remain confined to the kitchen and that the curtness of his response was the inadvertent result of a mistimed burp. “You little imbecile,” he said to his chef mere hours after the TV interview that took him from national hero to national thing-we-are-sorry-for, “All of this bad press, this hate mail and this outrage on Twitter, it’s all because you can’t cook to save your life. If I hadn’t been dreaming of maa kay haath kay tikkay during that interview, none of this wouldn’t have happened. And I wouldn’t have been hungry if you could have cooked me a decent Afghan tikka before the interview. Now Nadia won’t talk to me and my daughters have unfriended me on Facebook. My life is ruined!”
In a related development, fans of Boom Boom have been busy coming to their irreverent hero’s defence. Articles have been appearing in various publications-where-any-delinquent-moron-can-call-himself-a-writer-and-blogger, defending the actions of the Right Arm Medium Fast Leg Spinner. In a blog entitled ‘Afridi’s opinion on women is none of your business!’, a prudent Lala-phile argues that because Peshawar, or indeed the greater Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa and FATA region, is not the most open of places when it comes to women’s involvement in “all-walks-of-life” and where even the slightest insinuation of women’s lib-type sentiment can get a brother in hot water with bandits so badass even the government is forced to negotiate with them, it is unsurprising that Afridi would choose to keep his views to himself.
I stand by the writer and believe that this principle should be applied across the board to protect the personal and public interests of all public figures that live in similarly ‘suppressive’ and ‘hazardous’ environs, as it has the potential to save a great deal of lives. Imagine if Malala had not spoken out against the Taliban rule, she could have been sitting at home in the scenic valley, going to school, making friends, falling in love with nature while wearing her dupatta properly over her head. Now that she went and did the ‘brave’ thing, she’s had to leave that carefree life behind and is now squarely in the eye and the lap of the international media. She’s being forced into signing book deals, being force-fed filet mignon and champagne and turned down for Nobel Peace prizes.
Shahid Afridi has lashed out against accusations that he is a misogynist. In a statement issued to the head chef at his swanky Splice Signature restaurant – named after his favourite cricketing shot – the fiery Pathan made it clear that did not mean to be insensitive towards women when he made those remarks about how they should remain confined to the kitchen and that the curtness of his response was the inadvertent result of a mistimed burp.
Speaking of which, the PM’s plan to score a peace prize by talking to the trigger-happy Taliban hit a snag when the Taliban committee and the erstwhile government committee agreed to a deadlock in the talks. This counterproductive, yet counterintuitive move has allowed the government to field its secret weapons: frustration, anxiety and red-tape, or bureaucrats for short. The appointment of career civil servants Fawad Hassan Fawad, Habibullah Khattak, Rustam Shah Mohmand and Arbab Arif to a freshly-constituted committee that will be negotiating on behalf of the government, is a masterstroke of inspired genius. The Talibs are used to dealing with the exactitude and precision of the military, as well as the rhetorical onslaughts of politicians, but nothing can ever prepare them for a day with four tedious DMG babus who have done nothing but exercise their vocal chords for the bulk of their careers. Anyone who has seen even one rerun of the iconic British drama Yes, Minister and/or Yes, Prime Minister on PTV World, is familiar with the average civil servant’s ability to run circles around hapless civilians and simple-minded religious fanatics with their elusive puns and deceptive pronouns. In my opinion, the Talibs of Pakistan have had it. Fazlullah might as well buy the DVDs and watch Sir Humphrey dismantle a power-hungry, unscrupulous yet idealistic leader of his people on TV, before the same fate befalls him in person.
In a related development, plans are afoot to transfer officials from the Higher Education Commission’s Attestation Wing to assist the committee with the negotiations. Analysts are hailing this move and pronouncing these men the government’s SEAL Team. “If you’ve ever had to get anything attested by the HEC, you will know just how cruel and inhuman these men can be. They can break university students, MPhil scholars and even tenured PhDs with their endless paperwork requirements: photocopies in quadruplicate and authority letters from now-deceased members of your varsity faculty are simply the smallest-caliber rounds in their arsenal. However, the unlucky students who must continue to suffer, as the vacancies left behind by this red-tape SEAL Team squad are being filled by volunteers from the Department of Motor Vehicle Registrations, who are skilled exponents of the subtle art of back-logging.
