We’re the Illuminati of Pakistan: TTP

We were only trying to bring a revolution, says Fazlullah

Earlier today the Taliban from Pakistan made an exasperated announcement to a select few media persons. The group has revealed itself to be Pakistan’s ‘Illuminati’ group that was meant to form a new World Order (restricted only to Pakistan, of course). Contrary to popular belief, their ultimate aim is not to promote Sharia in the country – all they were trying to do was start a revolution so that the common man could learn to fight for his rights.

“Like the Illuminati, our goal has always been to promote gender equality, liberalism and secularism in Pakistan. We are fans of free-thinking. All our actions were meant to spark an uprising where the common man stood up for himself. But we have repeatedly failed,” lamented Maulana Fazlullah. History has shown that great oppression leads to great revolt and great revolt eventually leads to some form of change. As per their most recent claims, it is a positive change that the TTP has been seeking ever since their creation. Something along the lines of the French Revolution was meant to take place in Pakistan, apparently. Many have often prophesised of unrest and rebellion in Pakistan citing the poverty, lack of basic standards of living, lack of access to health facilities etc. Even the rich aren’t trying to get richer in Pakistan; most people are just trying to immigrate.

“We kept attacking people even when ‘peace talks’ were underway. When we outlined our demands we made sure they were ridiculous and absolutely absurd. We even upped the ante and told the government not to impose any difficult conditions after giving them a list of impossible stipulations. We were sure people would stand up and say “That is it, no more of this nonsense”,” says Fazlullah. He was speaking in reference to the infamous list of priorities that the peace talks committee has been handed over by the Taliban. Amongst other things the list asked for Sharia law in courts (Pakistan already has a Federal Sharia Court in place); Islamic education system (Islamiyat is taught at all levels in school); freedom for Taliban (when they’re not being elusive they simply break out of jails), etc. Their demands gave the impression that the country wasn’t the Islamic Republic of Pakistan but the Kababic Republic of Pakistan.

Talking about the lack of willpower of the common man the TTP leader continued, “You have no idea how shocked and disappointed we are. People still lack motivation! How many more of you do we have to kill before you start caring about the bigger picture? We took away your Chaudhry Aslam so that you mice could become men – and then we blew up Aitezaz so you could find your own courage, but nope, this country and its people can watch everyone burn around them and do nothing.” Chaudhry Aslam was targeted by the Taliban more than half a dozen times before he finally lost his life. Aitezaz Hassan died tackling a suicide bomber; his sacrifice helped many others live. Both men are seen as icons of courage in the country.

The TTP also outlined how they tried to create a sense of brotherhood and harmony between faiths in the country. Pakistan has a long history of minority abuse. From forcefully converting and abducting Hindu girls for marriage to creating false blasphemy cases against Christians, if there’s an atrocity that could be committed, someone in the country takes it upon themselves to get the job done. “We attacked the Peshawar church; it was a calculated move for us. Pakistanis were supposed to feel empathy; this community was being attacked like everyone else. They were supposed to rise to the occasion. Instead, the ones dying and dead were called “safai wallay” on national TV. Their human value was reduced to their utility as janitors! Christian protestors were attacked by average Joes. This entire country is mental!” he cried.

When questioned about TTP’s real stance on women, Fazlullah became at once animated. “Don’t even get me started on the women. We released reports that 500 female suicide bombers were ready for action; then we said the pious version of Veena Malik was a role model for Pakistani women; nothing we do or say infuriates them. They don’t want to fight for their rights, heck they aren’t even trying all that hard to get a seat on the peace talks committee,” he said. TTP had originally hoped that increased pressure and atrocities against women would result in an Iran-like revolution where women took to the streets to protest and find their voice. But Pakistani women, like Pakistani men, seem not to have that big of a problem with the TTP.

The threat against Chitralis and Ismaili Muslims issued by the TTP was also outlined as a strategic move. “Hello? Your Quaid was Ismaili? Your culture is your identity? Does nothing faze you people?” asked Fazlullah with clear frustration. “We were very happy when the Sindh Festival was announced. We were ecstatic that some political leader finally seemed to give a damn about the tattered remains of the Pakistani culture. Then waltzed in that buffoon with that Superman logo, what does Superman have to do with Sindh? And his elder sister one-upped him by rapping out an invitation to the Sindh Fest. What Sindhi rappers have ever existed in this culture? When we heard about the fashion show using ajrak and traditional Sindhi prints we were happy… then we saw the ajrak mini dresses – seriously? That is YOUR culture? Seriously?” Fazlullah exclaimed.

Fazlullah ended the session with the following statement: “This is not the Arab Spring, we get it, but would it kill the people of this country to do anything beyond writing a few statuses, tweets and liking posts that talk about hating us? We’ve seen more people at a nihari stand protesting lack of nali in their meal!”