(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ISLAMABAD – In his historic address to the nation on Monday, Prime Minister Imran Khan, who is lauded for both his fitness and his anti-fascist stance, ordered the nation to come out for half an hour at noon every Friday to fight fascism in India and that waxy, fat-like substance in your body.
“Just come out for half an hour. This 30 minute walk around noon, when the sun is the brightest and your fat will leave the body through sweat, will simultaneously resolve issues as complex as Kashmir and the discoidal particles with which cholesterol is packaged in your cells,” the PM told the nation.
While top analysts left, right, and center are still grappling with the statement to interpret the precise meaning of the statement, it increasingly looks like the PM instructed fitness regime will look like assemblies eerily resembling the Path Sanchalan organized by the members of the Rashtrya Swyamsevak Sangh.
In his address, the Prime Minister said that the nation must display strong unity in the face of Indian Nazism by any means necessary, and if you can lose a few pounds fighting the Hindutva Nazis that would double the satisfaction.
He added that since nuclear war which could destroy the entire world should not be an option, standing and marching in open spaces could prove helpful to send a strong message.
The Prime Minister also mentioned an event which will shortly be announced, which might make the orders of the protest that involves standing more meaningful. However, the Prime Minister failed to mention the nature of the impending event.
Insiders have tipped The Dependent that the event involves “parades leading to burning a pile.” The office of the Prime Minister was not available for comment.
However, Minister Fawad Chaudhary was approached successfully who has estimated that the information is not disconcerting because the pile that is going to be burned would likely be of books written by Vinayak Damodar Savarkar, or the fat lining across your stomach.
