Love’s labour lost

Love marriages have always been considered stronger than arranged marriages prevalent in Pakistani tradition, largely because both partners in the relationship actually want each other rather than being forced to leave the decision to their parents, but statistics say otherwise, Pakistan Today has learnt.
Approximately 70 percent of love marriages end in complications or divorce in Pakistan, thanks mostly to youngsters who make an emotional decision to get married without considering the cornucopia of facts that influence later married life.
In Pakistani society, differences in class, education and family traditions and background are just a few of the factors that eventually cause love marriages to implode. Trends have shifted in the last few decades and young people are increasingly likely to choose their life partners than have them chosen for them by family elders.
In Pakistani culture, influenced by centuries of Islamic tradition, it is unheard of for couples to be living together before marriage, and an odd date every now and then is what most get, since dating is also largely frowned upon. Therefore, the same couple so in love before getting married often receives one too many rude surprises after they get married and start to live together.
Differences in habits and issues that are only born once the couple begins to live together eventually lead happy married lives into the chasm of arguments and fights. Unlike arranged marriages – where the individuals are already resigned to the fact that there will be surprises and learn to accept the other person as they are since they had no control over the marriage to begin with – love marriages are much more prone to fights and arguments, often over petty matters, because both individuals step into the marriage with expectations that are not necessarily met by the other.
This sad fact usually makes for a situation that becomes unbearable for both partners, and they decide to go for separation. Islam allows both men and women to choose their life partners according to their will, but that liberty is not fairing well among the couples of Pakistan.
Lawyer Zafer Iqbal Kalanori, an expert on family law, told Pakistan Today that 70 percent of divorce cases registered in family courts came from couples who had married for love. He said an emotional decision to get married was usually the reason for the separation.
Hamza Maqsood, another lawyer, said it was strange to see a couple who had sought the court’s help to get married (court marriages are often the only way for couples to get married if their families do not agree with their choice) filing for divorce a year later, not at all reluctant to shout insults at each other in court. He said Pakistani society made it very difficult for a woman to opt to marry a man against her family’s wishes, and could sometimes result in her being killed “for honour”, whereas the man faced much less hurdles.
He said love marriage was not an evil thing as believed by certain segments of our society, seeing as Islam also allowed it, but people usually misunderstood the phenomenon. He said trust in each other was the key to a happy married life, whereas doubt was the dominant element in Pakistani love marriages.
Psychiatrist Shahid Najam told Pakistan Today that the best part of a romantic relationship was usually before marriage and after marriage things suddenly changed and the “love” departed, leaving behind just “marriage”. He said the greatest problem with love marriage was that even after marriage, couples did not realise that they were now married and simply continued to behave like lovers instead of husband and wife. They still expected the same behaviour from each other and discarded reality completely, which eventually snowballed into a divorce.
Shamsa, a lecturer, said Pakistani couples did not understand the true meaning of love and there actually was no love in “love marriages”. She said true love marriages never went up in smoke, only those based on a frivolous romance did. She said a romance based on bodily lust and monetary greed was usually passed off as love marriage, in which both partners tired of each other soon and filed for divorce.
Pakistan Today sought the views of citizens as well, with one Muzamil Ijaz saying that in a love marriage, the man and the woman were both initially impressed by each other, but they failed to realise that there was no burden of responsibilities in a relationship. After marriage, however, they felt secure and do not feel the need to attract each other like they did in the relationship, leading to apathy and the eventual demise of the relationship.