ISIS launches ‘lota jihad’ to conquer toilet paper starved West | Pakistan Today

ISIS launches ‘lota jihad’ to conquer toilet paper starved West

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – The Islamic State (ISIS) is set to unleash a new strategy to conquer the ‘immoral West’, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

In the latest edition of the terror group’s al-Naba newsletter, the editors who normally urge followers to carry out attacks on the West instead ask them to “start delivering lotas, bidets and Muslim showers.”

While the rallying call, which al-Naba has headlined as ‘lota jihad’, has now been spread throughout ISIS networks around the world, the details of the operation are classified. However, The Dependent’s investigative team has got hold of the documents underlining the ‘lota jihad’.

The documents reveal that the jihad has been categorised in accordance with the regions, with the lota version to be spearheaded by the ISIS provinces in South Asia, which have been working under the auspices of the Khorasan faction IS-K.

“Conquer the immoral West by spreading the lotas, bidets and Muslim showers. The toilet paper starved, morally depleted, West will bow down to the lota jihad as their infidel backsides finally see the enlightening daylight of water,” reads a part of the classified ISIS document.

Meanwhile, with the spread of the broader ISIS strategy and its latest jihad being widely publicised in global media, Muslim groups have come forward in condemnation.

“We condemn the global media for affiliating the Muslim shower with ISIS. Call it a regular shower, because ISIS aren’t Muslims,” read the official statement issued by the Muslim Council of Britain

The Dependent

The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.