Heartless Zuckerberg won’t help out despite knowing what you need to text bae next on Facebook chat


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

YOUR FACEBOOK CHAT WINDOW – Silently watching you make a complete fool out of yourself, despite hours being consumed in this protracted attempt to dodge bae’s wrath, heartless Founder and CEO of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg won’t help you out in this agonisingly growing crisis.

According to eyewitnesses, a majority of which consist of Artificial Intelligence (AI) sources compromised by the world class team of The Dependent’s hackers, Zuckerberg is just sitting there after a long day of prolific work translating into additions to his $70 billion net worth, as he experiences your shambles, which remains the Facebook founder’s favourite pastime.

“Wow, you really think that would work!” Zuckerberg mocked you out loud, the front facing 4XL, 100x zoom camera of his uniquely customised smartphone, along with its state-of-the-art 4.5 mm socket mic, revealed.

“Haha, that emoticon again” thought Zuckerberg while going through the entirety of your text exchange with bae, the yet to be unveiled remote neural monitoring feature of Facebook informed The Dependent.

However, sources further confirm that the Facebook CEO knows precisely what you need to tell bae next to make things better.

According to data available exclusively with The Dependent, Facebook’s big data features millions of partners having the exact same conversation, with the social media giant coming up with algorithms to determine patterns of instant messaging conversation and their relative success rates.

“What a loser!” the leading technology entrepreneur and artificial intelligence guru was exclaiming while staring at his smartphone’s screen at press time.