(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
TURIN/ISLAMABAD – As tens of thousands protestors affiliated with the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) led protest marched into the capital on Thursday, the government criticised the ‘inflated’ numbers of the Azadi March, accusing the rally of ‘merging unrelated causes’.
While addressing a press conference, Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Information and Broadcast Firdous Ashiq Awan accused the JUI-F of being largely made up of fans of Italian football club Juventus.
“The Azadi March is just a massive gathering of Cristiano Ronaldo fans,” said Awan while talking to the media.
“Of course, given the merger of Hala-GGMU-Forza fans because of Ronaldo, this rally of Juventus fans also overlaps with fans of Real Madrid and Manchester United, many of whom want to bask in the glory of the eight time Serie A champions,” the special advisor added.
According to The Dependent’s team of investigative journalists, the Azadi March is indeed being backed by Juventus as the club looks to capitalise on the growing football base in Pakistan at a time when Cristiano Ronaldo is still playing for the Serie A champions.
“Juventus fans have existed in Pakistan for decades and now we want the number to grow and become the highest in the country. That’s why we are funding the Azadi March. Forza JUI-F!” said a member of the entourage of the Juventus Chairman Andrea Agnelli.