(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
PESHAWAR – Masterfully spotting the Zionist conspiracy flying around his pile of parathas and steaming hot cup of tea during the early hours of Thursday morning, the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Fazlur Rehman directed casual anti-Semitism towards the housefly hell bent on damaging his breakfast and beliefs.
“O yahoodan!” the JUI-F shouted as he briskly moved his hand to swatter the fly heading towards his teacup, clearly with the intention of nosediving in it and infesting it with the conspiracy sent out by the Illuminati.
“Ghustaakh, ahl-e-kufr!” Fazlur Rehman continued the counterattack on the adversary that had clearly crossed the moral, ideological, gastronomical and enemy lines.
Addressing a press conference, after the fly managed to escape the scene of the religiously motivated hate crime, JUI-F Central Secretary General Abdul Ghafoor Haideri said the fly belonged to the ruling Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI).
“It was a female outside her house without a mehram – what more evidence do you need?” Haideri said while talking to the media.
“Also, the timing of the incident, designed to jeopardise the Azadi March, and the Jewish identity of the culprit, clearly confirm the party allegiance of the fly,” the JUI-F leader added.