Entire Pakistan cricket squad fails to complete fitness test after biryani ban


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE – The entire 20-man squad of probables for the upcoming ODI and T20I series against Sri Lanka later this month failed their surprise fitness test held at the National Cricket Academy here on Thursday, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

According to sources, this unannounced fitness test, the details of which were supposed to be kept secret from the media, was not just failed by the entire squad, not a single of the 20 players provisionally selected for the Sri Lanka series managed to complete the test.

“This is the lowest that any bunch of Pakistani cricketers have been on energy in the history of the sport – definitely since fitness and energy levels first began being measured in the country,” revealed a source within the Pakistan Cricket Board.

Further investigation by The Dependent has revealed that the low energy levels and the resulting failure to complete the fitness test are a direct result of the ban on biryani imposed by Chief Selector and Head Coach Misbah-ul-Haq.

“Misbah has enforced a diet of pasta and grilled food, but our players keep asking for ‘fried handle waali botiyan’ even with the pasta. There just isn’t enough oil for them in the pasta or barbeque and that is resulting in the energy shortfall,” a source privy to the diet plans of the national cricket team, told The Dependent.

With the Sri Lanka series just a week away, sources claim that Misbah is contemplating small biryani doses to be injected in the playing 11 to ensure that they can go through the upcoming ODI and T20I matches.