KP govt issues province-wide order limiting all school-going female students to a maximum of 12,000 breaths per day


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

Responding to the rise in sexual harassment incidents in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, especially in the case of school-going female students, to and from their respective government run schools, the KP government has decided to restrict the number of breaths they can take to a maximum of 12,000/day, which is half of the average number of breaths an average healthy human being takes in a normal day.

The number, as explained by a representative of the KP government, was in keeping with Sharia laws in the country that necessitate halving any and all fundamental rights for men when the same are being applied to women.

“This is a necessary move to protect our future [male youths] from early onset cardiovascular disease as a result of volatile fluctuations in heart rate caused by female students at their schools and colleges who aren’t properly covered from head to toe. The max breath rate restriction will tire them out earlier in the day and the resulting fatigue will disable them from using their deadly gaze”, explained Adviser to Chief Minister for Education Ziaullah Bangash.

To a question regarding how the government planned to enforce the order, Provincial Minister for Information KP Shaukat Yousafzai said that it would be “very obvious” which child was not restricting themselves to the allotted breaths/day as their attendance at school- in the absence of some serious illnesses caused by the lack of required oxygen- would be 100%. We are eventually aiming for zero per cent attendance here; no female school-going students, no sexual harassment.