‘I once dated a member of the royal family’ Aatish Taseer screams jumping out from under your bed

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

Your room – “I once dated a member of the British royal family” screamed Aatish Taseer, jumping out from under your bed and startling you late on Monday. 

“Back when you were doing whatever you were doing in 2006, I was dating Ella Windsor, a minor member of the British royal family who was a family friend of the Goldsmiths” the Indian journalist screamed in your face, grabbing you firmly by the shoulders and shaking, spittle flying wildly at your face. 

“Who are you and what’re you doing here?” you asked, upon which he pushed you on to the floor and tied your hands behind your back before duct taping your mouth. 

“Good question. This reminds me of the time I shared a Japanese meal with a Pakistani rockstar” responded the Vanity Fair columnist. “I can’t tell you who it was, but we’re tight and I often randomly hang out with him and other important people.” 

“Ok I’ll tell you if you insist” he said even as you started feeling a shortness of breath. “It was Ali Zaffar. And my cultural institution uncle was also there. We were going to ”

“Tone deaf? Badly writtern? Self-adulatory? I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that, I was once boxed on the ears as a youth by the Queen when I was chilling at Windsor castle” he said, even as  he shoved his phone in front of your face and swiped to show you all of his selfies with Ali Zaffar, Imran Khan and others. 

“But I do recall this one time when the British royal I was dating was serving me Soba noodles …” he went on right before you completely passed out.