‘Under PPP rule Kashmiris will only be killed by malnutrition not Hindutva mobs,’ vows Bilawal

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

ISLAMABAD – Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari on Wednesday claimed that no “selected prime minister” can fight for the Kashmir cause the way a “democracy friendly” future premier like him can.

Addressing a press conference, Bilawal said there was no comparison between Kashmir under Indian military occupation and how it will be under the democratic PPP rule.

“Nonetheless, if you really want to compare the two situations, I can assure you that under PPP’s rule, Kashmir will not have to face radical Hindutva demographic change. Because in Pakistan, only non-Muslims can be converted, as per the constitution – of course, many of these are forced conversions, but the allegations are nipped under the bud,” Bilawal said.

“Furthermore, I can assure that that under PPP rule, Kashmiris will only face the prospect of being killed by malnutrition and not by Hindutva mobs or extremists. Like I said, you can’t compare the two situations, because that’s a whole different kind of conflict and existential crisis,” the PPP chairman added.

However, Bilawal reiterated that such a sweeping change in Kashmir cannot be brought about under the watch of a ‘selected Prime Minister’.

‘Unless the selected prime minister is the choice of a selected president,” he added.