(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – As tensions between India and Pakistan simmer over the revocation of special status to Kashmir, the regional wilayah of the Islamic State (ISIS) has asked India and Pakistan to “use rational pathways” to solve any dispute.
Announcing its statement on the Amaq News Agency, ISIS, while expressing “deep sadness” over Kashmir’s special status being revoked, urged India and Pakistan “to refrain from taking steps that could pave a way for violence and complications in the region”.
ISIS further reiterated that it has “gained bitter experiences from war and conflict” and urged “peace and use of rational pathways to solve regional issues.”
In a separate message sent out to the rest of the world, ISIS maintained that in case Pakistan and India abandon the path towards peace, the world must act swiftly to thwart a crisis that could be caused in the region, owing to what the Islamic State dubbed were ‘rogue governments’.
“Rogue governments in New Delhi and Islamabad would be detrimental for peace in South Asia,” the ISIS statement said.
“And as representatives of an imaginary territory that encompasses Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kashmir, India, Bangladesh, and even Sri Lanka – with our wilayahs covering all these countries as we have recently showcased – we have a stake over the region that we want to convert to a caliphate,” the statement concluded.