(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/PESHAWAR/QUETTA – In what is the latest example of what the critics of the government deem a blot on all its claims of meritocracy, the nation’s ‘worst kafirs’ were declared without due process over the past week.
The decision was announced through hashtags on Twitter, with one particular group of kafirs being deemed the worst, without the criteria behind the selection being revealed.
What has made the verdict especially jarring for the nation’s kafirs is that they weren’t informed that such a competition was actually taking place, owing to which their performance might have been inadvertently affected.
“Had we known that such a competition was ongoing, we would’ve been better prepared. Clearly the decision to crown worst kafirs has been taken without any due process since there had been no announcement that such an event was going to be scheduled,” said a senior member of a kafir community that had not been crowned the worst.
“What is also confusing is the definition of worst kafir. One assumes that with the double negative, the term would have a positive meaning, but then one isn’t sure. Is it better to be the best kafir or the worst
kafir?” asks a member of the kafir community that won (or lost) the competition that they hadn’t been informed about.