‘Fayyaz Chohan can represent unevolved human species but not us,’ say nation’s wildlife and fish


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE – Nation’s wildlife, fish and trees have announced a habitat wide protest against former Punjab information and culture minister Fayyazul Hassan Chohan’s appointment as the forestry, fisheries and wildlife minister.

The spokesanimal of the Wildlife Trees and Fish (WTF) foundation said in a press conference that the Punjab government move is unacceptable and will be met with vehement protests and rallies across the country.

“Unlike humans, we won’t tolerate such a disgusting living creature, and don’t want him to have anything to do with us. Fayyaz Chohan can represent the unevolved human species but not us,” said Maaju, the 27-year old veteran monkey who has been serving as the spokesperson of the WTF for the past three and a half years.

“Sure, [Chohan’s predecessor] Sibtain Khan wasn’t particularly evolved himself, but Fayyaz Chohan lies at the wrong end of both micro and macro evolution, and we at the WTF will absolutely not tolerate him,” added Maaju.

Maaju further clarified that all the wildlife, trees and fish are on the same page regarding the matter and there is no divide between the federal and provincial power centres either.

“Animals, fish and trees from all provinces and the capital are united on this. We don’t want him to do to the wildlife, fish and trees what he has done to humans in the shape of religious minorities, actors, journalists and politicians,” he added.