‘About to find oil reserves large enough to justify human rights abuses’ – PM felicitates nation

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

ISLAMABAD – Prime Minister Imran Khan on Monday said Pakistan will no longer be answerable for its human rights abuses once oil reserves are found near Karachi’s seas.

Speaking to journalists in Islamabad, the premier said, “We are hopeful of finding large reserves of gas and oil in the sea near Karachi. The nation should pray for this and I will soon share good news regarding this.”

“Inshallah, the reserves will be so large that we never be answerable to anyone for our human rights abuses – our oil will henceforth justify it,” he shared.

PM Khan further added that while he doesn’t want to get ahead of himself, there are reports that the oil reserves that Pakistan is about to hit oil reserves so big that it might be able to export a violent ideology to the rest of the world.

“Especially the Muslim world. Our oil reserves will help us fund madrassas that suit our geopolitical objectives in various regions. Other states will be fighting our proxy wars and participating in sectarian military coalitions that we lead,” Khan told the media.

The PM also underlined plans to create a separate OPEC for the country.

“It would be a single-country OPEC, which will only have Pakistan,” he said. “But of course, the greatest cause of happiness for this nation remains the fact that the country will no longer be answerable to Amnesty, EU or the UN for its human rights abuses.”

“In fact, we might get to chair the United Nations Human Rights Council soon.”