(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
Our Conflict Correspondent
Arshad Hussain Bhatti, a 54-year-old Lahori who has been running a feud with his brother since 21 years, has an elaborate peace plan chalked out for India and Pakistan.
“I am not formally trained in conflict resolution or diplomacy,” said the Shah Almi-based trader, who hasn’t spoken a single word to his brother for over two decades, “But I think I have a natural knack for this sort of a thing.”
“If only the governments of these two countries were to give me a chance to run the table, I have a host of solutions, ranging from Kashmir, to water management, to curbing nuclear proliferation, that I can eke out an agreement between the two countries,” said Bhatti, whose feud with his brother started from an argument on who would inherit their deceased uncle’s rickety Suzuki FX.
“It saddens me to see many people, specially the youth, to say such nasty things against India. Like my own son, who is constantly uploading his videos on YouTube, where he vows to teach Narinder Modi a lesson,” he said. “Speaking of my son, please excuse me, he has called me into his room to kill a lizard that he is scared of.”