(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI – Amid growing hostility between the two South Asian rivals, Pakistan and India might be heading towards warfare that could bring in devastation that humankind has never witnessed.
Security analysts warn that if the conflict continues to escalate at the same rate, soon the region will be on the brink of an apocalyptic duet.
Participants at this week’s Munich Security Conference revealed that such an obliterating possibility might actually be ‘inevitable’.
“When we talk about the Indo-Pak conflict, we talk about two countries with a collective population of over 1.5 billion. Two of the 1.5 billion are called Taher Shah and Dhinchak Pooja,” noted Dr. Peter Kuznick of the Nuclear Studies Institute at American University in Washington, D.C.
“And so when we talk about potential threats, we urge the global powers, stakeholders and organisations, like the United Nations, to consider South Asia of particular concern, because it remains the only region with the potential to produce a Taher Shah-Dhinchak Pooja duet,” Kuznick added.
Regional observers note that while India and Pakistan have appeared to have come to the brink several times in the past, the threat hasn’t been as real as it is right now, given that this year’s general elections might push the Narendra Modi government to act with populist rashness.
“India has banned all Pakistani actors, artistes and singers other than Taher Shah, signaling that we are ready for war with Pakistan,” said Indian journalist Arnab Goswami, urging Dhinchak Pooja to launch Dilon Ka Shooter across the Line of Control.
Meanwhile, Islamabad maintains it is not aware of Taher Shah’s whereabouts, clarifying that he has been declared a proscribed group following an amendment to the Anti-Terrorism Act, 1997 last year.
Security analysts reiterate that Taher Shah is perfectly capable of both being a Mankind’s Angel, or looking Eye to Eye across the LoC, making him an outfit completely compatible with the Good-Bad Taliban policy.
With the mutually assured destruction caused by simultaneous unleashing of the two arsenals well known, experts hope that the possibility of a Taher Shah-Dhinchak Pooja duet would actually serve as a deterrent.
“If India sticks to its No first use (NFU) policy on Dhinchak Pooja’s pouty selfies, Pakistan might be compelled to keep Taher Shah enclosed in his own heart, which is like a rose,” hoped Nuclear Threat Initiative Co-Chairs Ernest J Moniz and Sam Nunn.