Pakistani press completely free, says plainclothesman sitting in newsroom


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

The Pakistani news media is completely free and unfettered, said a plainclothesman sitting in the newsroom of The Dependent on Friday.

“There are absolutely no restrictions on the freedom of the press in this country, I guarantee that, as a one hundred percent real, actual journalist,” he said, while sipping tea.

“I would like those present to guide me to those who believe otherwise,” he continued. “So I could approach them and convince them fully. ”

“I would convince them several times in our meeting, just to make sure, and if they continue to have such views, I will convince them again, this time, perhaps even convince their family members,” he added.

“Why just today, I read a brilliant and gutsy piece in a local publication about how you couldn’t go wrong with orange this entire winter season for your haute couture. Would it have ticked people off? Presumably. But did it have any negative repercussions for the journalist? No. That is the kind of freedom we journalists have in this country.”

When asked who he was, the plainclothesman replied, “I am your colleague, of course. You don’t remember me right now. We should tell the readers how your memory is a little hazy because you almost fell off the roof of the newsroom and are a bit disturbed right now.”